(Content Warning: Rape fantasies)
How do fantasies relate to sex in real life? How do you share your fantasies with a sexual partner?
If you have questions like these about sexual fantasies, this is for you. This episode of Sexplanations with Dr. Lindsey Doe covers several facts that you may not know and might just be curious about.
For instance, if you’ve ever wondered about when fantasies might be harmful, taboo scenarios like rape fantasies, or the impact that fantasies can have on your sex life, here’s the info you’re looking for.
With Love,
The Editors at Everyday Feminism
Dr. Doc: Whoo! Hot! Fantasies are the sexiest thing I can think of. They are the most universal sexual phenomenon. Within and across cultures almost everyone fantasizes. So, with help from our sponsor, Adam and Eve, here’s what you need to know about fantasies. Patients who struggle with sex aversion and lack of interest and difficultly getting aroused are encouraged to fantasize because it activates the limbic system, which then turns on the reproductive system. This goes for people without sexual disorders, too. Sexy thoughts make everything sexier. (*Research is often limited to only studying gender as a binary.) Men are twice as likely to fantasize about what they hear, see, and read: sexually explicit content, body parts, and sex acts – the physical rather than the emotional. They’re more likely to fantasize about multiple partners, anonymous partners, and a variety of them, culminating in an average of 1,000 objects of desire in a lifetime. Comparatively, women are more likely to fantasize about themselves as objects of desire, more likely to familiar partners, a setting, and a plot. The themes of their fantasies are primarily of tenderness, loss of control, and dominance which are slow to unfold and imply behaviors rather than fixate on the sex acts. One of the most common fantasies is being raped by or raping someone, usually phrased in the research as being forced or overcome by someone to have sex. Studies vary slightly around the 50% mark, suggesting that at some point in our lives, at least half of us fantasize about rape. That is, at least half of us have complete control mentally and physically over a character version of ourselves being raped by someone we consent to be in our fantasy. So, as Paul Joannides puts it, “Not rape at all!” Fantasizing about rape doesn’t mean I want to be raped. Fantasizing about other people doesn’t mean I want to be with them. Imagining I have a penis isn’t need for surgery, just as unprotected sex with a stranger, here in my brain, isn’t the desire to actually put my vagina at risk. Fantasy. Reality. There is cross over, like this venn diagram, but not everything here goes here – the same way that not everything I do sexually turns me on mentally. Violet Blue has a helpful book, The Ultimate Guide to Turn Your Fantasies Into Reality. You can also create a want, will, won’t lists of fantasies you’d like to come true and ask your partner(s) to do the same. When you’re ready, compare the lists without judgment and negotiate terms for the ones you agree on. “I’d like to lick your anus.” “The germ swap in that makes me turned off, but if you were to use non-microwavable cling wrap, I’d be all for it.” Keep in mind wanting fantasy to become reality is a spectrum, with some people over here wanting it all to be real and others wanting it all to be in their heads. (A list of the following fantasies are scrolling down the screen while Dr. Doc continues talking.) Dr. Doc: Sex while driving: not safe for you or others on the road, but masturbating to the idea of it can be bubbling, sex cauldron hot. Anal sex with ten consecutive people: impractical or at least difficult. But, in your fantasy that asshole is a champ! That’s why fantasies are so cool. You can go anywhere your mind wanders, which I encourage. Unless you have trouble coming back to reality. Fantasizing can be harmful if you consistently use fantasies to check out of your emotions in life. While fantasizing can increase libido and improve sexual performance, other fantasizing can lead to erectile difficulties, broken relationships, and dependence like a drug. An ever-increasing need for more images to be more extreme in order to get the same level of arousal you had at the beginning is an indication that you need and deserve professional help. Just the other day I was feeling exhausted and unsexy and disconnected from my partner. But by using my sweet, sweet mind, I was able to briefly imagine an energized me, sexy and horny, having mutually gratifying sex. My brain carried this message to my groin, and my groin engorged with blood. Then the arousal invigorated sleepy Lindsey, so I was able to roll over and act as if I was that sexy, sassy woman from my fantasy. People do similar fantasizing for limitations of their bodies, their partners, and their resources. Not for breaking the law or pushing boundaries but for doing what you or someone else wants to try before actually doing it, doing it. For example, if you’re thinking about a threesome, something you haven’t tried before but want to, fantasizing about it first is a way to preview what could happen. Rehearse it as many times as you need to, and troubleshoot the hurdles as they come up. It’s not going to be totally accurate because you can only control yourself in reality, but it’s a great starting point. This is really two parts. Part A: People who struggle with having orgasms, as in they aren’t sure how to, find that fantasizing helps. This is because of things I’ve already mentioned: limbic system, better sex, better communication, a way to escape realities, pressures, and preview a new experience. Part B: As for people who are orgasmic, fantasizing can make orgasms better. Okay, you knew that, but did you know that it’s actually possible to orgasm from fantasy alone? As in no touching, no vibration, no pelvic thrust – just the use of that enormous sex organ. Your brain. Stay curious. Want some play things to help you act out your fantasies? AdamAndEve.com, promo code: DOE will get 50% off any one play thing and free shipping if you’re in the US. You can use the accommodator. This toy is actually designed to realize the fantasy of two lovers at once. One performing oral sex, the other penetrating. Use a condom. Fleshlight to stimulate sex with a vagina on a cis woman, trans man, trans woman, genderqueer person with a vagina who is super into you. Candy cane waterproof vibrator that you can use in the water to satisfy your fantasy of being pleasured by a brightly colored mer-person.Click for the Transcript
1. Fantasizing Can Improve Your Sex Life
2. Generally, Men and Women Fantasize Differently
3. Rape Fantasies Don’t Make You a Rapist
4. This One Is Important: What You Fantasize About Isn’t Necessarily What You Want in Real Life
5. How to Share Your Fantasies
6. Disgusting, Impractical, Taboo, Dangerous, and Illegal Stuff Is Probably Okay in Your Fantasyland
7. Fantasizing Can Be Harmful
8. Fantasies Provide a Positive Escape from Reality, Too
9. Fantasies Can Serve as Test Runs
10. Fantasy Can Lead to Orgasm
To learn more, check out:
- 3 Reasons Why You Need to Talk to Your Teens About Sexual Pleasure
- Navigating Consent: Debunking the ‘Gray Area’ Myth
