SEX!
Yeah, we’re talking about it today.
If you’re uncomfortable with that, y’ain’t gotta watch this video. I ain’t gonna force or coerce you. But if you wanna talk about sex and communication and pleasure then you’ve come to the right place, and I’ll make sure that we do it in a safe way.
So guys, you’re dating a girl and you figure that in the 21st century she’s a liberated, independent, and even feminist woman and ya’ll got no problems talking about sex.
Except little do you know she’s out talking with her friends about how you’ve literally never found the right spot on her clit and how you’ve literally never thought to, ya know, ask her about it.
But look here’s the thing, in our misogynistic world, the responsibility still kinda lies on the guy in a heterosexual relationship to create a safe environment for talking about sex. It’s still seen as highly taboo for women to openly discuss sex — especially their own pleasure — even with their intimate partner.
There’s kind of a power imbalance going on where guys assume that everything is equal, but women still may not feel completely comfortable bringing up certain things. Women are socialized their entire lives to submit to men — especially sexually — and it can be a really long and difficult process to unlearn that socialization. Because of this, men do have social power in these situations and need to be actively aware of that.
Because you want your partner to be happy and comfortable and pleased! so this is how you do it!
1. Ask If You Can Kiss or Touch Her
Now usually when we talk about consent, the first thing people bring up is that it’s not sexy to ask for it. It kills the mood. But dude, if asking for permission kills the mood for you I really think you’re doing it wrong.
Saying “Can I kiss you?” in the right tone can definitely be a turn on, and it creates an environment where your partner knows that you care about her consent. That’s important. She should know that if she says no, you’ll respect that.
And if she does say no, you need to accept that. Don’t beg or plead or try to coerce here. No means no. Period.
Read the situation too. If you ask and she seems uncomfortable and doesn’t respond right away, she might be afraid to say no — and you should take that as a no.
2. Ask Her What She Likes and What You Can Do to Please Her
Look, conversations around sex usually end up revolving around male pleasure. Porn focuses on male pleasure, magazines focus on how women can please men, but very little attention is put on how men can please women.
So how do you fix that? Freaking ask her! Ask her what things she’s into it. Make it clear that if she has any kinks she’s afraid are weird, you’re willing to talk about them and possibly try them. Or if she doesn’t, at least you’ll find out better where she likes you to touch, if she prefers being on top or bottom, that sort of thing.
You might think you know what your partner likes, but remember that a lot of women feel the need to fake orgasms to please their partners. This is a legitimate response to a culture that tells them that they need to please men, but it’s your responsibility to make sure that she is actually feeling pleasure.
3. Don’t Pressure Her to Come
On the topic of faking orgasms, if you try to pressure a woman into coming, there’s a good chance she’s just going to fake it.
Saying “come for me” may seem acceptable, but it really puts too much pressure on the woman to come. If she’s unable to come and you put all of this pressure and stress on her to come, you’re only making it harder for her and making her feel likes there’s something wrong with her.
Now helping your partner come is great, and you definitely should be trying to please you parter, but don’t put that burden on her shoulders.
4. If You’re in the Heat of the Moment, Ask Her to Show You What She Likes
Nobody knows her body better than herself. If she’s ever masturbated, she’ll know best which spots to touch and how to touch them. Ask her to take your hand and show you what to do. There’s no shame in needing a little help — and you can even return the favor.
5. Communicate About Different Forms of Birth Control
If you want to have sex without condoms or other barrier methods, ask her if you two can get tested together and talk about birth control and abortion.
If you’re having sex with someone, you better know what’s going on with birth control. Talk about condoms or other forms of birth control. If you don’t want to use a condom, let her know that you’d be down to get tested for STDs with her, and then talk about other forms of birth control. and as awkward as it might seem, if you’re going to be having a lot of sex with one person, you’ve got to talk about abortion, because at the end of the day it’s her body and her decision if she wants to have an abortion or not. You should both come to an agreement about how you’d handle that emotionally and financially.
6. If She Doesn’t Want to Do a Particular Sexual Act, She Doesn’t Have To
Yes it’s cool to try new things. Yes society has told us things are taboo that might actually be pleasurable. But not everyone is into that. You’re not liberating anyone by coercing them into something that you want, whether it’s anal or other things. Make sure she knows that any boundaries she sets, you won’t cross. And talk about those boundaries, because you both definitely have them.
And this shouldn’t be a conversation that happens only once. Sometimes people want to try new things or they decide they don’t like a certain thing anymore — and that’s fine. Continue to talk about your desire and boundaries often. BUT remember that repeatedly asking for something is coercion. If you want something that your partner doesn’t, let them know that they can always bring it up, but don’t keep pestering them about it. That is coercion because eventually they may feel obligated to say yes just to make you happy.
7. Talk About How Frequently You Have Sex
How frequently people have sex is so often discussed that it’s even a joke in like every sitcom ever that the married couple doesn’t have a lot of sex anymore. But how often you want to have sex is something that’s important to talk about. Some people might have sex because they feel obligated to because of their relationship — but you need to make sure that your partner knows she is under no obligation to have sex with you. Ask her if she’s okay with how often you’re having sex and talk about how you feel about it too. Find a balance that works for the two of you.
Well that is all the tips I have for you today. If there’s one thing you get out of this video, it’s that you need to communicate! Talk to your partner! Ask how they feel! Just communicate!
Also, this video is part of a series for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression, so I’ll put a link down the description so you can go check out their website and see all the other awesome content they produce.
Let me know in the comments what experiences you’ve had with communication in the bedroom, and feel free to leave me any questions you have about all this.
If you want to subscribe, I make videos every Sunday and I would really really appreciate the support. Thanks so much for watching, everybody. Love you! bye!
