Today, we’re gonna talk about hobophobia. I mean, wait a sec, that doesn’t sound right. Wait, let me check… (The words “hobophobia, noun, an irrational fear of people who appear to be poor” appear on the screen.)
No no no, I mean hodophobia, I think. (The words “hodophobia, noun, a fear of traveling” appear on the screen.)
Crap, that’s not it either. What’s it called again? Oh yeah! Homophobia. (The words “homophobia, noun, dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people” appear on the screen.)
Look, if you’re watching this video, I’m gonna assume you don’t consider yourself a homophobe. If you do consider yourself a homophobe, I don’t know how you’re watching this since they don’t have Internet in the 19th century.
Anyway, I don’t consider myself a homophobe either, but I will admit that I’ve said homophobic things in the past and still sometimes catch myself acting in homophobic ways sometimes.
I think that’s the natural byproduct of growing up in a homophobic and heteronormative society. (The words “heteronormative, adjective, denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred orientation, “the heteronormative codes of twentieth-century mainstream Western cinema” appear on the screen.)
And by that, I mean that you’re straight until proven gay. Straight is the default, the norm, and anything outside that is “different” or “other.”
That being said, a lot of us might be doing things that are homophobic or that perpetuate heteronormativity without realizing it. If you’ve grown up only knowing straight people (or people you think are straight), you might not even realize that some of these things are hurtful.
I think we can all identify blatant homophobia. Beating someone up or calling someone names just because they’re gay is obvious homophobia. But there are subtler forms of homophobia that can creep into our everyday language, and we might not even be aware of it – but we should be!
So here are a few things you might say that are unintentionally homophobic (and, uhh, should therefore be not saying them).
1. Asking About a Boyfriend/Girlfriend
“Jimmy, do you have a girlfriend yet?”
“No.”
“Well why not? A handsome man like you should have no problem finding a nice young lady!”
“Except that I’m gay, so I’m not even looking for a ‘nice young lady.’”
“Oh…”
When you assume that a man only likes women, or that a woman only likes men, you’re being heteronormative.
This can make gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, and queer people feel as if their identities are wrong or somehow not normal because they have to correct you or just continue living in the closet.
A nice alternative is to ask something gender neutral like “Are you dating anyone right now?” or “How’s your love life going?”
2. Assuming All Women/Men Like Another Gender
“Oh, we’ve got a special treat tonight for all the ladies! Channing Tatum is here to strip!”
“Oh, bro, you’re going to love this movie – hella naked chicks everywhere!”
Both of these phrases are bad because they assume that only straight men and women exist.
In the first example, the person is assuming that only women will like Channing Tatum stripping – but obviously lesbian women might not be so turned on by that, but gay or bisexual men might love seeing Channing Tatum strip.
The fix here is easy: Just say that you have a treat for everyone instead of just ladies.
In the second example, the person is assuming that a man seeing a movie that has a bunch of scantily clad women in it will turn him on – but if he’s gay, he’s probably not going to be as enthused about that.
So even when you’re talking in general terms about men and women, try to remember the fact that not all people are straight.
3. Insisting You Know Someone’s Sexual Orientation
“Oh, I can just tell that she’s a lesbian.”
“I mean, she told me herself that she’s straight, so I think we should believe her.”
“Nah, but you can just tell. She dresses all tomboyish and stuff. She’s totally into girls.”
This one goes a step further than assumptions about a group, because it involves you insisting that you know an individual’s sexual orientation.
When you insist that someone is gay and deny what they tell you, you’re saying that you know their sexual orientation better than they do.
At the same time, you’re saying that gay people have to behave in a certain way, and if they don’t behave that way, they’re not gay. But there is no right or wrong to be gay.
You know how to be gay? You just be attracted to people of the same gender. That’s it.
I don’t care if you just bought a brand spankin’ new Gaydar 3000 – you shouldn’t assume someone’s sexuality based on a stereotype.
Obviously, though, if you’re gay and you’re looking for other gay people, there’s going to be a bit of assumption involved, but you should never insist that someone is gay or straight or whatever if they tell you otherwise.
4. Telling Kids What Their Orientation Should Be
“When you grow up sweetie, you’re gonna marry a real nice boy – your own prince charming!”
Or she might grow up to like girls.
As impressionable as kids are, I think it’s important to make it clear to them that you’ll love and accept them no matter what gender or genders they’re attracted to.
Using language like that, which makes their path forward seem super straight, can be damaging to queer youth.
5. Treating People Like a Stereotype
“Oh, you’re a lesbian? Oh my God, I just love softball! You should totally teach me how to play.”
“Uh, I don’t even play softball.”
Oftentimes, when someone finds out that another person is gay, they’ll try to connect with them based on some stereotype, like assuming that all lesbians are softball players.
I understand that you’re just trying to connect with them – and that’s great! – but you can ask someone about their hobbies without making assumptions based on their orientation.
Ask them the same kind of questions you would ask any other person to get to know them.
***
Well, that’s all I’ve got for you today!
This video is part of series I’m doing for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. I’ll put some links in the description so you can check out their website as well as my previous videos in this series.
Let me know in the comments if you can think of any other ways that people are accidentally homophobic.
I hope you have a wonderful day, I love you all, and I’ll see you next week. Bye!
