So! You’re dating a feminist, or you want to date a feminist, or you’re considering dating a feminist, or you might one day think about possibly dating a feminist…
Well, then you came to the right place! As a feminist who has dated feminists, you could say I’m an expert in the subject. It wouldn’t be the most accurate statement ever, but you could say that.
And I just want to give you some advice – ‘cause I care about you.
So here’s how to date a feminist.
Step #1: Don’t Be a Bigot
I know this is asking a lot, but give it a try.
Just don’t hate anyone based on their gender, race, sexual orientation, or anything like that; listen when people from marginalized groups tell you about their experiences and try to empathize; and just generally try to have compassion for others.
But the other part of this is actively avoiding microaggressions. You don’t have to be a blatant racist to say things which are subtly racist. Work on becoming a less prejudiced person every day.
If you can nail that, your chances of getting along with a feminist partner are a lot higher. Otherwise, this relationship probably won’t last much longer than the Anglo-Zanzibar War.
Get it? Cause it was only a 40 minute war? Ehh, okay, moving on!
Step #2: Learn About the Causes Important to Your Partner
When we talk about feminists, we’re talking about a massive group of people with varying interests and passions.
Unfortunately, there is no Feminist Kingdom with a Feminist Queen who decrees what we should all believe in. She quit last year and disbanded the kingdom, and it’s just been a mess ever since.
But because feminists can have such different causes that they’re passionate about, it’s important that you try and understand what your partner cares most about.
This is actually good advice for any relationship, but I think it’s particularly applicable to feminists who have to constantly deal with harassment for standing up for the causes they care about.
If you can be there to back them up and really understand those causes, you’ll be a much better partner.
Step #3: Don’t Act Like Being a Feminist Makes You Infallible
If you identify as a feminist already, that’s great. But don’t pretend that gives you a free pass to say whatever you want without consequences.
Feminists can make mistakes. We can say offensive things and act in ignorant ways. We have to be able to own up to our mistakes and work to improve ourselves. It’s a constant process that is never really over. You can’t just collect your eight badges and be a feminist master.
So if you say something problematic and your partner calls you out on it, don’t get mad. Don’t get defensive. Try to listen and understand what you may have done wrong.
Just never think that because you call yourself a feminist that it’s impossible for you to act in non-feminist ways. Ask yourself if what you’re doing or saying really aligns with your values.
Step #4: Understand Their Need for Self-Care
Feminists are often harassed for expressing their views, so it’s important that we learn how to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes that means disconnecting from social media, taking a day to relax and doing things we enjoy, or just spending time with loved ones.
However your partner practices self-care, you should be supportive of it and help them as much as you can.
Understand that sometimes they need space – and sometimes they might really want you around.
Step #5: Learn How to Deal with Harassment
As the partner of a feminist, you might find yourself on the receiving end of some harassment.
Anti-feminists rarely take care with where they spray their hate. Imagine a garden hose just whipping around at random, but instead of water, it’s filled with racist, sexist, and homophobic slurs.
So if some of that hate ends up coming your way, you need to know how to cope with it. Be sure to take care of yourself and remember that your mental health is important.
And please, please, please, don’t blame your partner. It’s absolutely not the victim of harassment who is at fault.
Step #6: Don’t Generalize Your Experience to All Feminists
Let’s say you date a feminist and they turn out to be a shitty person. They’re mean or abusive in the relationship – or maybe you just don’t mesh well together. But remember that even if your relationship with a feminist comes to an end, you shouldn’t think that’s how it would be with all feminists.
Dating a feminist can be awesome. You can have shared passions and connect on a level that you might not be able to with someone who doesn’t care about social justice.
But sometimes relationships won’t work out for different reasons, and you could still find a successful feminist relationship in the future.
At the end of the day, dating a feminist is like riding a bike. I mean, it’s like skydiving. I mean… there’s no good analogy for this. Everyone’s experience dating a feminist is going to be different, but if you’re curious, I’m single. Just kidding. Kind of. Heh.
And if you’re ever unsure of anything – like should you split the bill on a date? – then just communicate. Talk to them. You’ll solve a surprising amount of problems that way.
Anyway, this video is part of a series I’m doing for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. I’ll put some links down below so you can check out my previous videos in the series.
And let me know in the comments: What advice you would have for someone looking to date a feminist? If you’re dating a feminist, what advice do you wish you had gotten beforehand?
Alright—well—that’s all I’ve got for you today. Hope you have a wonderful day, love you all, and see you next week. Bye!
