Hey everyone! So today, we’re gonna talk about polyamory – not to be confused with polyarmory, which is an achievement in Black Ops 2.
Polyamory is an alternative to monogamy. It means that you could be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. In reality, this manifests itself in a bunch of different ways. Some couples have sex with or date other people while maintaining a strong relationship between the two of them, while other people form strong romantic relationships with multiple people.
Now I know that might sound really off-putting if you’ve never encountered it before. We’re raised in a society that’s hugely monogamous. Good, moral people are always portrayed as monogamous, and non-monogamy is portrayed as something only done by bad, terrible, immoral people.
But that’s not actually the case. Polyamory can and does work. So let’s look at some common misconceptions about polyamory and talk about why they’re not accurate.
Myth #1: People Are Too Jealous to Be Polyamorous
Jealousy obviously plays a role in any relationship, so I’m not trying to deny that jealousy exists or that no one should ever feel jealous – but I think we can all agree that too much jealousy causes trouble even in monogamous relationships. It can lead to extremely controlling relationships or cause one partner to cheat – neither of which are really great outcomes.
But a lot of what triggers us to feel jealousy is taught. As kids, we’re conditioned to believe that we have to be defensive of and territorial with our partners. I think that if we changed the way we think about partnerships, we wouldn’t find ourselves so jealous so often. If we were more trusting and less possessive, there wouldn’t be so many things that trigger our jealousy.
And speaking of cheating, that’s a major problem in monogamous relationships – and it could happen in polyamorous relationships, too. But I think cheating might occur less often if we were taught to talk about the people we’re interested in or attracted to with our partners and be more open and honest about our sexual desires.
Myth #2: Someone Will Always End Up Getting Hurt
I hate to break it to you, but people always end up getting hurt in monogamous relationships, too. Unless you spend the rest of your life with the first person you ever meet, you’ll probably end up experiencing some kind of breakup or heartbreak.
So yeah, people might end up getting hurt in polyamorous relationships, just as they do in monogamous relationships. But these relationships can work well, too, as long as everyone is consenting to what’s going on and communicating about their feelings.
Myth #3: Polyamory Isn’t Natural
Actually, most mammals are not monogamous, and humans are no different. It’s very rare that any human is sexually monogamous for their entire life. There are polygamous cultures, polyandrous cultures, and in the West, people are often serially monogamous.
Though if you were to study American culture, you’d probably determine that because of all the cheating, we certainly couldn’t be considered monogamous.
And regardless, something being natural doesn’t inherently make it better. Even if you believe that monogamy serves some sort of evolutionary purpose, that doesn’t mean it’s the best system for everyone.
Myth #4: Polyamorous People Just Want to Sleep Around
Sometimes, if you tell someone you’re polyamorous, they’re just going to think that you want to have the stability of a relationship while being “allowed” to sleep with whoever you want.
That often comes with accusations that “one person isn’t enough.” But that misses the point of polyamory. Being polyamorous doesn’t mean that one person could never be enough – it just means that you’re not shutting down all your other feelings just ‘cause you’re with one person.
But it also ignores the romantic aspect of it. Polyamory can mean having sex with multiple people, but it can also mean romantic relationships with multiple people – so clearly it’s not all about having sex with different people.
And this very often feeds into our stereotypes about men and women. Men are kind of expected to want to sleep with a bunch of women, so polyamorous men aren’t taken seriously because eventually they’re supposed to “find the one,” as the narrative goes.
Women, on the other hand, aren’t supposed to sleep around, so they can be called derogatory names and insulted and shamed for saying that they’re polyamorous.
But really, viewing polyamory through the lens of an outdated and heteronormative stereotype doesn’t allow us to see it as what it really is: a perfectly valid alternative to monogamy.
Myth #5: Polyamorous People Don’t Really Love Their Partner(s) Fully
This misconception centers around the fact that we teach people that if you really, really love one person, you can’t love anyone else. So polyamorous people who are in a relationship with multiple people can’t really love each one fully – their love must be divided. And someone who’s in a relationship with one person, but is open to others must not truly love their partner.
But that makes the assumption that love is a finite resource. And I supposed to a degree, it is. You couldn’t really love millions of people simply because of the time constraints of getting to know and spend time with them, but within reason, you can absolutely love multiple people.
You probably love multiple family members and multiple friends. Loving multiple romantic partners shouldn’t be any different. It’s not like you only have one unit of love to give, and after that, you’re out. And you don’t have to divide up your love to give it to someone else. You can continue to find love for new people who enter your life, as you do with any new relationship.
So, that’s all the misconceptions I have for you today. I am just one polyamorous person, so if you are polyamorous, please share your thoughts down in the comments and let’s talk about this.
This video is a part of a series I’m doing for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression, so I’ll put some links down below so you can check out my previous videos in the series.
And, as always, my name is Riley J. Dennis, please remember to give this video a big thumbs up if you liked it. I love you all so much, and I’ll see you next week. Bye!
