Crap, where’s my virginity? I can’t find it anywhere. Ugh, I might’ve lost it.
Obviously, I’m kidding. Virginity is a useless, ancient concept – but I do want to talk first-time sexytimes, as the kids are calling it these days. They are calling it that, right?
And you can trust me on this because I’ve had a lot of sex. A lot of really good sex – really good sex – what were we talking about? Oh yeah, and I’ve had some less than amazing sex. But really, sex education is something I’m passionate about and I want to share that with you – whether you’re straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, cisgender, transgender, or anything else!
I know how hard it can be to get good sex ed. I went to a relatively progressive school, and I was still basically only taught that sex is penis in vagina, beep bop boop, done. I can’t imagine having gone to a school with abstinence-only education. So here is one unit of sex ed for you, I hope it helps. One unit of sex ed is approximately nine tips, by the way. In case that wasn’t clear somehow.
1. Recognize That Sex Isn’t Just Penis In Vagina
Sex can be oral sex, it can be anal sex, it can be just touching each other’s genitals. It doesn’t necessarily have to end in orgasm, and there doesn’t necessarily have to be penetration. Basically, if you’re doing sexual things, you can call it sex.
Which actually makes sense if you think about it for a second. What makes penis-in-vagina sex so magical that it’s at, like, a higher level than other kinds of sex? Here on my channel, we believe that all sexytimes are created equal.
2. Get Enthusiastic Consent
Look, the common “no means no” mantra that we hear all the time sounds nice on the surface, but it allows people to pretend that silence means yes – which it absolutely does not.
Consent has to be enthusiastically and willingly given. Pressuring someone into sex is not okay. Read their body language, talk to them, communicate. Be 100% sure that you and your partner(s) want to do whatever sexual act you’re about to engage in.
And if you’re not comfortable, remember that you can say no at any time. You can give consent and then revoke it. You can plan to do something and change your mind before it happens or even while it’s happening. You should feel comfortable enough with your partner(s) to be able to say no at any time.
3. Communicate About Pleasure
Communicating in general is literally the best advice I could possibly give you, but specifically, you need to talk about what you like and what they like. Better yet, show them what you like or have them show you – after asking, of course.
Every person is different in what they like and how they like it. The first time you have sex with someone, you won’t know exactly how to pleasure them – and that’s not your fault. Don’t feel ashamed! Nobody, no matter how sexually experienced you are, knows how to please someone from the start.
It takes time to learn what your partners like and how you can pleasure them. Some people like things hard and fast, others soft and slow. Some like being touched in a certain way and others don’t. You have to both learn about the intricacies of pleasing your partner and communicate how you like it.
4. Respect Each Other’s Boundaries
For one reason or another, sometimes people aren’t comfortable with a certain part of their body. For trans and non-binary people, this can mean referring to their genitals in a certain way or avoiding certain types of sex. And for anyone, certain insecurities can mean they don’t want to be touched in certain places or they don’t want to have the lights on or something like that.
And while I think we should always encourage people to love their bodies, we can’t force anyone to – so if your partner has boundaries related to their body, respect them. Even if you love a certain body part of theirs, if they say not to touch, don’t touch it.
And likewise, communicate your boundaries to your partner. If they’re really someone you want to be having sex with, you should feel comfortable knowing they’ll respect your boundaries.
5. Talk About Protection
Get tested before you have sex! If you can’t get tested, be sure you’ve discussed birth control and STI protection.
Even if you both have the same genitals and there’s no worry about someone accidentally becoming pregnant, STIs are still a real concern. You really need to be comfortable talking to your partner about this if you’re planning to have sex.
6. Masturbate
I mean, finish watching this video first, but like later. Then you should masturbate.
Why? Because if you want to show someone else how to pleasure you, you’ve gotta know how to pleasure yourself. Everyone is different and everyone gets off differently, so you’ve gotta explore your own sexuality to know what you’re into.
And yeah, that means exploring anal as well, if you want to! You never know, it might end up being really pleasurable for you. Don’t just dive head into sex without knowing what you like!
But of course, if masturbating isn’t your thing, that’s fine, too. It’s not for everyone, but it can be extremely useful for a lot of people.
7. Don’t Think All Sex Is Like Porn
Look, I’m not anti-porn. I think it’s problematic and the industry as a whole has a lot of changing it needs to do, but I think porn itself, when done well, can be sensual and erotic and help people explore their sexuality.
But mainstream porn can really warp your view of what sex is like. Lesbian porn is almost always geared towards to straight men. Straight porn is almost always the man initiating everything and ends with the man ejaculating on the woman.
Now if that’s what you and your partner are into, then more power to you, but most sex is not like porn sex. Don’t expect your partner to perform like a porn star, and don’t expect yourself to either.
You two will find your own groove with each other. You can use porn to talk about things you would like to do – but communicate about that stuff beforehand.
8. Focus On Feeling Good (And Making Your Partner Feel Good)
This might seem obvious, but a lot of times, we can put too much pressure on ourselves during sex.
If it’s difficult for you to orgasm, don’t put more stress on yourself to orgasm. Just relax and enjoy the experience – if it comes, it comes. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. That doesn’t mean the sex was pointless.
If you experience orgasming too quickly, remember that climax isn’t necessarily the end of any sexytime. There’s plenty more you can do after orgasm, but even so, you can usually put off orgasming by switching positions often, slowing down, or finding other ways to pleasure your partner.
And remember that while orgasms are awesome, and you should also be focusing on your partner’s pleasure, putting too much pressure on them to come can actually be harmful. When your ego rests upon how many times you’ve helped your partner orgasm, they might feel compelled to fake orgasms or just be unable to orgasm under the pressure. Don’t make it a competition of orgasms. Just focus on pleasing each other.
So that’s the end of my list, but I do want to remind you that you don’t have to have sex. Unfortunately, our society puts a lot of emphasis on having sex – but you absolutely don’t have to. If sex doesn’t do it for you, that’s cool. Some people who don’t enjoy sex use the label “asexual,” and that’s totally valid. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to have sex.
So, that’s all of the tips I have for you. I hope you found some of that useful. Please leave your tips and advice for having sex for the first time in the comments.
This video is a part of a series for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. I’ll put some links down below to my previous videos in the series as well as articles that are relevant to this video.
Alright, I hope you have a wonderful day, I love you all so much, and I’ll see you next week! Bye!
