I want to start off this video by saying that I am very fortunate to have two amazing, kind, loving parents – and this video is not about them at all. I just want that to be extremely clear. This video has nothing to do with my parents.
Now, that being said, I just want to tell you something: It is possible for your parents to be seriously hurtful, even toxic or abusive. I know that might sound obvious to some of you, but for a lot of people, it can be extremely hard to recognize in their own parents because there’s a lot of misinformation and misconceptions out there about the line between healthy and unhealthy parent-child relationships.
So here are six myths that prevent people from being able to recognize child abuse.
Myth #1: Your Parents Are Infallible
I remember being a kid and thinking that my parents had the answers to everything, that they couldn’t any mistakes. To me, they weren’t complex people with flaws and hopes; they were just my parents.
But the scary thing about idolizing anyone like that is that it can make you rationalize or just flat out ignore their darker side.
No child wants to believe that their parent is abusive. And yet, a study by the US Department of Health and Human Services found that in 2014, 9.4 out of every 1,000 children were abused, which was about 702,000 children. And those numbers are likely low, because a lot of cases of abuse go unreported.
Of course, sometimes parents just make mistakes – but those mistakes can cross over into abuse. Just because they’re your parents, that doesn’t mean they can do no wrong.
Myth #2: Everybody Knows When They’re Being Abused
I think a major reason why so many child abuse cases go unreported is that kids don’t know that they’re being abused. Because they’ve grown up with their parent or parents abusing them, they see that as normal. If they don’t know anything but abuse, then they have no way of knowing that it’s wrong.
If you haven’t been abused, it can be really easy to say, “Well, if I was being abused, I would know it, and I would report it and take all the necessary steps,” but for folks who are actually in those situations, things are a lot less clear.
They might question their own memories or experiences, they might think that their abuse is normal discipline, or their abusers might have damaged their self-esteem enough that they believe that they deserve it. Of course, if you’re being abused, you 100% do not deserve it. Nobody does. But if you don’t know if you’re being abused or not, you’re not alone. Many people in abusive situations are in the same boat.
Myth #3: You Owe Your Parents Unconditional Gratitude
I think a lot of this has to do with how we’re raised to feel like we owe our parents just for raising us. Don’t get me wrong, if your parents were wonderful and you grow up and want to give back to them, that’s totally fine – but the point is that you don’t necessarily owe your parents anything just because they raised you.
You didn’t ask for them to have you, and you shouldn’t have to be grateful to people for raising you if, while doing so, they caused you immense pain. If your parents are causing you real emotional or physical harm, you don’t have to defend them just because they put a roof over your head. You have every right to dislike them and to want to distance yourself from them.
And it’s okay to be grateful for some things that they’ve done for you and resentful for others. It isn’t an all-or-nothing situation.
Myth #4: Abuse Is Only Physical
Abuse can definitely be physical or sexual – but it can also be emotional or psychological. Child abuse isn’t just hitting or inappropriate touching, it’s also name-calling, gaslighting, and making people feel worthless or unloved.
I had a friend growing up whose parent would call them names whenever they ate food that wasn’t a salad, like fat-shaming their own kid. Comments like that, even things that might seem small or insignificant, can really be detrimental to a child’s mental health.
If your parents constantly make you feel like crap, particularly as a way of trying to change your behavior, even if they turn around and are nice to you later, that could be emotional abuse.
Myth #5: There Is a Clear Line For What Constitutes Abuse
Ehhh, not always.
Technically, abuse is a cycle of behaviors used to assert power and control over someone else. If someone is 1) being hurtful to you 2) in a pattern, in order to 3) make you behave or think a certain way, that’s a pretty clear indication that the situation is abusive. But that still raises a lot of questions.
I knew someone growing up who told me that their parent used to spank them – on the face. I really don’t want to get into the debate around spanking as a form of child abuse, because I think that’s a topic for another video entirely. If we’re talking about strictly what’s legal right now, it varies depending on what state you live in.
But generally, if your parent hits you and it leaves any kind of mark or bruising, that can be considered “excessive force” and falls under child abuse rather than corporal punishment, but it’s still kind of open to interpretation.
And the legal line for defining emotional abuse is even blurrier than that because it can be hard to say when you’ve crossed the line from just being mean to actually being abusive.
But if it’s causing physical or psychological damage to someone, and it’s being done repeatedly, it’s probably abusive.
Myth #6: You Can’t Interfere in Someone Else’s Family
We have this kind of attitude that a family’s business is a family’s business, and no one else’s. You shouldn’t tell someone else how to raise their kids, and you shouldn’t talk about family issues outside of the family.
But this kind of attitude is the perfect breeding ground for abuse, because it prevents kids from speaking out, and it prevents bystanders from doing anything about it. When there’s abuse going on in a family, this kind of rhetoric helps them keep it a secret.
Please, if you suspect that a child is being abused, do something. And if you yourself are being abused, know that you have a right to tell someone outside your family – and to keep on telling until someone helps you.
(“How to get help” appears in text)
If you believe that your parents might be abusive, you have resources to help you. You can call the Childhelp national hotline at this number (1-800-422-4453), or visit their website (childhelp.org) to learn more. If you don’t want to call from your phone because you know they’ll see your call history, there are apps and websites that can give you a temporary phone number that you can use to call over the internet, and I’ll link to them in the description.
Though you should know that the people on those hotlines are legally required to report child abuse if a minor reports it, so if you’re not ready yet to officially report it, you don’t have to tell them your age.
And no matter what, I want you to realize that if your parents are abusive or hurtful, it’s in no way your fault. You didn’t do anything to deserve that, and there are still people in this world who love you and care about you.
And if you’re already grown up and moved out, but you’re just now realizing that maybe you were abused as a child, that’s perfectly valid, too. It’s a hard thing to see when it’s happening, but you’re not broken, and you’ll be okay.
Sorry for the heavy video topic today, I just thought it was something that needed to be addressed. This video is a part of a series I’m doing with Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. If you have a story you’d like to share in the comments, please feel free, but I completely understand if you’d rather not talk about it. I hope this video could be helpful for some of you. Thanks for watching, bye!
