RILEY: Would you date someone who’s trans? Would you date someone who’s black? Would you date someone who’s fat? Would you date someone who’s disabled?
Now, honestly, I don’t know what your answer is to those questions, but I’ve met a surprising number of people who would say no to all (or at least some) of them. Their argument is that it’s just a preference – and that you can’t control who you’re attracted to.
I think most of the time that this is brought up, it’s in regards to race. I’ll link to a couple really good videos in the description about racial dating preferences, but in this video, I want to talk about our other biases.
Let’s start with trans people. Would you date a trans person? Think about it for a second. Okay, got your answer? Well, if you said no, I’m sorry, but that’s pretty discriminatory.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you’re a horrible person who hates trans people. There was probably a time in my life when I said I wouldn’t date a trans person. But since then, I’ve thought critically about it and changed my mind.
I could sit here and show you photos of conventionally attractive trans people. There definitely are trans people who you would never know were trans unless they told you, because they “pass” for cis. And that might convince some of you. But I think arguing that you would only like a trans person if you didn’t know they were trans is a poor argument. I think you could be attracted to any trans person, whether they “pass” or not.
I think the main concern that people have in regards to dating a trans person is that they won’t have the genitals that they expect. Because we associate penises with men and vaginas with women, some people think they could never date a trans man with a vagina or a trans woman with a penis.
But I think that people are more than their genitals. I think that you could feel attraction to someone without knowing what’s between their legs. And if you were to say that you’re only attracted to people with vaginas or people with penises, it really feels like you’re reducing people just to their genitals. You’re kind of objectifying them – but you’re thinking of them more as genitals than objects. So I guess you’re kinda genitalifying them?
Anyway, my point is, we have implicit biases that we were raised with or that we developed over time, and they can be hard to get rid of. And I think this can be especially prominent within the queer community.
Gay men often pride themselves on being disgusted by vaginas, and the same goes for lesbian women with penises. It’s difficult because some queer people have built their sexual identities on these repulsions, but I don’t think they’re innate at all. If you met someone who was extremely attractive, had a great personality, but didn’t have the genitals that you wanted, you might be surprised to find that it isn’t a dealbreaker.
As someone who is trans and gay, sometimes people ask me, with a very accusatory tone, if I would date a girl with a penis. Because there’s this stereotype that trans lesbians are just predatory cis men creeping on cis women. But the thing is, I absolutely could be attracted to a woman with a penis. I could be attracted to any woman, cis or trans. If I find you attractive, I don’t care what you got down there.
But we know that sexual orientations are more innate than learned – they’re more nature and less nurture. Gay “conversion therapy” has been proven not to work. But you can unlearn your own prejudices; it just takes time and conscious effort.
And the way we talk about potentially dating trans people has a lot in common with the way we discuss other “preferences.” Saying that you’re not attracted to fat people isn’t innate; it’s informed by a society that tells you that being thin is ideal.
Everything in the media you consume is bombarding you with messages that skinny is beautiful and fat is ugly, and even the nicest of people absorb these messages to some degree. But again, if you find someone attractive and really enjoy spending time with them, there’s no reason why their weight should be a factor. Especially since we know that the relationship between weight and health is extremely complex, and you really can’t make any moral judgments on a person based on their weight.
And lastly, let’s talk about disabled people. Disabilities come in a very wide range, from being deaf to being in a wheelchair to only having one arm, and I think it’s pretty ridiculous to say that you couldn’t be attracted to any person who has any of those disabilities.
Disabilities can happen to anyone. Someone you’re extremely attracted to today could become disabled tomorrow, and that shouldn’t make your attraction to them disappear. Though if it does, it might not be because of them, but rather because you have some preconceived ideas about disabled people that are just inaccurate and harmful.
Unsurprisingly, this is another case of the media telling you that a certain group isn’t attractive. Disabled people are rarely romantic leads. Their stories in movies and TV shows are often tragic. But that doesn’t reflect the reality that disabled people can be happy and have dating lives and be attractive.
Now if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to them. I’m not going to tell you that you have to be attracted to this fat person, or that trans person, or that disabled person. But the more you work at unlearning your own prejudices, the more you’ll be able to see people from these groups as people rather than tired stereotypes.
Unlearning our own biases doesn’t happen overnight, and I don’t have a step-by-step instruction guide for you. But I think if you can accept that these prejudices exist in all of us, even you, you can identify them when they come up and work to change how you think about them. It will most likely be a long, slow process, but I think it’s worth it.
Because these dating “preferences” are ultimately harmful to people who don’t fit into your box of what a conventionally attractive person looks like. It makes people feel isolated, alone, and unwanted to hear that they’re universally unattractive to people.
I don’t think there’s anyone out there who somebody doesn’t find attractive. We’re sold this image of the Conventionally Attractive Person, but in reality, all kinds of people around the world are constantly dating, having sex, finding people attractive, getting married.
It’s not only the conventionally attractive who find love or have sex. So by working on ourselves to dispel that idea, we can make the world a more welcoming and loving place for everybody – no matter how they look.
This video is a part of a series I’m doing for Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression. Be sure to give this video a like if you enjoyed it, and don’t forget to subscribe for more videos about various feminist topics. Thanks so much for watching, and I’ll see you next time!
