Can Having Genital Preferences for Dating Mean You’re Anti-Trans?

Recently on the Internet, there’s been a lot of discussion around “genital preferences” and transphobia. In this video, I’m going to use the word cissexism instead of transphobia, but they’re really similar words. At its most basic, cissexism means prejudice or discrimination against transgender people.

So what’s been happening is that some people are making the argument that it’s not cissexist at all to only be attracted to people with one kind of genitals. For example, these people might argue that being attracted to only women with vaginas in no way negatively affects trans people.

On the other hand, I would argue that it’s more complicated than that. We all have our implicit biases built into our preferences, and gender isn’t as simple as just the genitals you have. But, after I say that, I usually get a bunch of blatantly cissexist responses.

So I thought I’d address all of those responses at once.

1. ‘You’re Being Homophobic!’

In this argument, I often get accused of homophobia, lesbophobia, or lesbian erasure by lesbians who believe that I’m trying to change their sexual orientation or identity. They say that my language sounds a lot like a dude who tried to turn them straight or like conversion therapy.

Those responses are rooted in cissexism.

This is because I’m not telling lesbians that they can’t be lesbians. If you’re a woman who only likes women, go ahead, identify as a lesbian! But some women have penises. And if the fact that some lesbians might be attracted to those women offends you, it’s because you don’t think trans women are real women.

That’s because these accusations of homophobia make it sound like I’m trying to convince lesbians to like men, but I’m not. I’m trying to show that preferences for women with vaginas over women with penises might be partially informed by the influence of a cissexist society.

You don’t have to like men. You don’t have to date men or have sex with men. And if you think that’s what I’m arguing, you’re simultaneously strawmanning my argument and implying that trans women are men.

2. ‘You’re Upholding Rape Culture’

This is honestly the worst response that I’ve heard and probably the most cissexist one.

That’s because trans women have a long history of being accused of being rapists by cis women. It’s the logic behind bathroom bills that prevent trans women from using the right bathroom. It’s why some cis women are terrified of the idea of sharing a locker room with a trans woman.

This is a very common tactic used by anti-trans folks to discredit trans women as just “men trying to invade women’s spaces so they can rape them.” Even if this is not your intention when bringing this up, this is what you’re implying and it is where this argument comes from.

Suggesting that trans women are rapists for wanting to be fully recognized as women is extremely harmful.

And I should note that I’m not saying you have to do anything without consent. I’m a big of fan of affirmative consent, and you should never feel pressured to have sex with somebody. This isn’t about an individual.

This is not saying, “You have to have sex with a trans woman, or you’re cissexist.” It’s saying that you should examine the societal influences on your preferences. There’s a massive difference between honing in on individual scenarios and considering wider societal issues and attitudes.

3. ‘I’m Allowed to Have My Preferences!’

Technically, you’re right. You’re allowed to have your preferences, and you don’t have to change anything. But there’s more to it than that, and ignoring the deeper issues by stopping at a surface-level analysis doesn’t do this issue any justice.

Like, you’re allowed to have a lot of things – you’re allowed to have prejudice towards trans people, but that doesn’t mean you should.

So if we look a little deeper into this issue, there’s the possibility of your genital preferences being at least somewhat partially informed by growing up in a cissexist society. There’s also the fact that a preference is different than saying you would never do something.

Like, having a preference for tall girls is fine, but refusing to date anyone under 5’7″ is ridiculous. And obviously that’s not a perfect analogy because short girls as a group don’t face the societal marginalization that trans women do.

But I’m interested in having a conversation about labels and implicit bias and trans-inclusive language. Simply saying “It’s my preference, end of discussion” is a good way of sidelining all of those issues and, instead, centering the feelings of cis people in a discussion that’s about trans people.

4. ‘I Have a Trans Friend Who Says This Is Okay’

People love their tokens. I’ve done an entire video on moral licensing and why this is a terrible defense, but in summary, you’ll always be able to find trans people to back up your cissexist views.

You’ll always be able to find gay people who spout anti-gay rhetoric. You can even find people of color who openly advocate racist policies. That doesn’t make you right.

Having a trans friend doesn’t mean you’re suddenly an expert on trans issues.

People often internalize negative ideas about their own identities and regurgitate them with passion. I’ve met gay men who told me that their homosexuality was a sin and that their punishment was to be celibate for their entire lives and even still, they’d probably go to hell.

Obviously that would be anti-gay for any straight person to say, and it’s also not okay for gay people to advocate that. In the same way, if trans people are saying cissexist garbage, it’s still cissexist garbage.

And look, there are cis people who are on my side as well, so if you think it’s okay to point to your token trans friend, then I can just point to my token cis friend.

5. ‘I’m Triggered by Penises Because of Past Sexual Trauma’

That’s completely understandable. I’ve never said that anyone should have to have sex with someone with a penis if they don’t want to.

If intimacy with someone who has a penis is triggering for you, I would never suggest that you have to do that. Take your time to heal and work through your trauma at your own pace.

Just be aware that the majority of people making the “I could never date someone with a penis” argument are not doing so because of trauma or triggers.

***

So that is all of the typical responses I could think of. The first two responses in particular come from TERF, “radfem,” and “gender critical” ideologies, which are all proudly anti-trans.

Even if you don’t consider yourself a part of those movements, you’re siding with them when you use their arguments. Their entire platform is cissexist, and their arguments reflect that.

So even if you say you believe trans women are women, it doesn’t do a whole lot of good if you’re still completely siding with folks who don’t believe that trans women are women.

And the last thing I want to say about this is that if you’d rather not have sex with a woman who has a penis, maybe just don’t make such a huge deal of it. Trans women are often afraid of not being found attractive or desirable after coming out, and you’re not helping.

If you really want to be an ally to trans people, you could just not talk about it. And by that, I’m not trying to censor you, okay, so don’t pretend this is censorship. You have the freedom to say whatever you want – I’m just asking you to consider if it’s necessary to say those things when they reflect harmful or violent rhetoric.

Because if you have an opinion that you know is only gonna make people feel bad about themselves, why constantly share it with the world?

It’s fine to not find people attractive, but it’s mean to constantly yell about how unattractive you find those people, especially when those people are oppressed. For another imperfect analogy, it’d be like if you weren’t attracted to girls with short hair.

That would fine, but you probably wouldn’t write articles and make videos defending why it’s okay for you to not like girls with short hair. You could do that, but sometimes it’s just best to be polite.

And that is everything I have to say on that topic. This video is a part of my Feminism with Riley series that I’m doing in collaboration with Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression.

Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time.