How to Lose the Weight!

HART: What’s going on? Hi! It’s Hart, and this past week, I went to West Hollywood Pride which is a festival for people who love themselves. Then some shit went down, yo.

So, I’m walking around the festival and all of a sudden some big lady in a wheelchair runs over my shoe. Do not worry, I’m not one of those people who brings a brand new fresh-ass pair of Jordans to a freaking festival expecting people to not step on them. No, sir.

But the lady goes over it, with me and my proper manners, I’m like “Excuse me, my bad?” And she’s all like, “Move it you fat ass piece of shit.”

Bitch, you are in a wheelchair? And she was at least a good 80 pounds heavier than me. But for reals, at a festival for people who love themselves? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to bag on a handicapped. She is probably in that wheelchair for whatever reason.

But ma’am, this video is gonna be dedicated to you. I’m gonna go ahead and try to lose the weight.

HART: Yes! That’s what I’m talking about. Fuck Candy Crush, it’s all about Bejewelled. They stole your idea anyway. Get that orb, we will be set.

HART: Captain Crunch! Hey Hart, what ya doin? Just practicing my mouth skills. Okay, we lost that one, we can’t waste food. Okay, now you’re getting ridiculous.

HART: Sit down and watch me some Modern Family! …Really? Power, come on. …Switchbox!

ARIEL: Hey boyfriend, what’s up?

HART: Hey, I know this is gonna sound strange, but the weight is chasing me.

ARIEL: What are you talking about?

HART: The weight won’t leave me alone.

ARIEL: Jesus Christ, Hart. How many times do I have to tell you that the weight doesn’t matter, It’s what on the inside that counts. And you clean your vagina, right?

HART: No, it’s on my tail.

ARIEL: Your butt is not that big.

HART: Listen, you skinty bitch.

ARIEL: You know I am sick of you calling me a skinny bitch. Us bitches have problems too! This one time I bent over and my boob got stuck in the Pringles can. Oh fu– It was a good month before I got it out. I had to dress like Madonna for Halloween.

HART: Damn it, Ariel! The weight!

ARIEL: How would you like it if I went around calling you fat all day?

HART: Hey, I am not fat, fat is just what I have.

ARIEL: Well, until you decide to grow a set of ovaries and just lose the weight that I cannot help you.

HART: No, no, no Ariel!

HART: Oh, what is this? Oh, you weren’t trying to get on me, you’re just trying to find your weight mate. You guys partners? That’s so cute. How long have you guys been together. Ha, matching tattoos. So, eight years, huh? Awesome!

HART: Losing weight is tough, but do not let the weight hold you back.

HART: Hey, thank you so much for watching. And please excuse me while I do a backflip. (Bullshit.) We made it to a hundred-thousand subscribers, guys! Hur-motherfucking-ray. The past week has been a really crazy week and it’s all thanks to you guys. I think I’m gonna go for another backflip.

Press the “Like” button. The winners of the stickers from the last video will be right here. And if you’re sitting there wondering why you haven’t got your sticker yet, there’s gonna be a link down below for information on that.

And if you would like a chance to win a sticker this time, possibly a little cartoon Hart watermelon bikini outfit sticker–it still needs to get approved, so don’t quote me on this–all of you’ve gotta do is leave me a comment of your weight. And if you’re trying to lose that weight, then put a comment of your goal weight and we can get shit cracking. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, absolutely nothing.

Make sure you go subscribe to my boyfriend Ariel and go check out the video we did on her channel. And as you all know, my name is Hart. I’m here to give you guys life and I’m gonna see you guys laterz. Relax, I know this is K in sign-language, but in my videos, it mean Laterz.


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Hart is a very out spoken and ridiculous comedian. Comedy that will have your sides tickling! Coming from the lesbian side of the LGBT community, her humour is the most random category that you will ever stubble upon! Music, sketches, serious topics, and comedy are all things you can find on the HARTBEAT channel. Follow her on Twitter @hartgotbeats!