7 Things I Want My Son To Know About Porn

Originally published on Mamamia.com.au, Australia’s largest independent women’s website, and cross-posted here with their permission.

A note from Everyday Feminism: We want to be clear that not all pornography fits into this critique. We feel that this open letter is directed toward the mainstream pornography industry.

To my darling Son,

I know this is not a conversation any boy wants to have with his mum at any age, so I’m going to let you off the hook. Sort of.

By writing you this letter, I’m going to spare you from having a face-to-face conversation with me about sex. Or more specifically, about porn.

But it’s a conversation we must have nonetheless.

Because I would be failing in my duty as a parent, guide, and woman if I did not share the following information with you –  information that has the power to impact greatly upon your future sex life. And your relationships.

So listen carefully. This is important.

First of all, I know you’ve watched porn. Probably a lot of it. I struggled with this at first. Nobody wants to imagine their child watching strangers having crazy sex.

But I’ve come to accept that the world is different now, and from the moment we gave you access to a smartphone and your own computer, it was inevitable that you’d see porn.

This makes me sad, but not for the reason you might think.

There’s nothing wrong with sex, and there’s nothing wrong with being interested in it. For me, this is not a moral question.

I’m upset because I think that watching porn has the potential to affect your own sexual experiences in a really negative way.

And it’s not just me.

This is a proven fact. Men who watch a lot of porn have trouble enjoying real sex with real women.

And I don’t want you to be that guy – not for yourself and not for your partners.

I truly wish you and your generation could have been free to embark on your sex lives without all the hardcore, soulless, sexist imagery of porn.

I wish you could all have had the chance to explore it organically, with all the surprises, the thrills, and even the spills. Without expectations or preconceptions.

That’s the way it used to be, back in ye olden days.

For us, sex was a wonderful, sometimes awkward experience of discovery. Lots of fumbling and bumbling and working it out as you went along.

Today though, by the time you and your friends have sex, you’ll almost certainly have seen hundreds of hours of porn stars going at it in many, many different ways.

This will be the visual wallpaper in your mind as you explore your own sexuality, and that’s truly unfortunate.

I understand that the porn genie can’t be put back in the bottle. Your generation is a product of our time, and you’re all in the same boat. So I guess you’ll all figure it out.

However, there are a few important things you need to know.

I don’t think anyone else is going to tell you these things, so here they are. Remember them.

1. Porn Is Not Real Sex

Most of what you see online is commercially produced sex. These are people having sex for money.

It’s their job. Just like models in advertisements aren’t representative of what regular people look like and Call Of Duty isn’t representative of actual war, neither is porn the same as sex.

2. Do Not Compare Yourself to the Men You See in Porn

Male porn stars are chosen for their giant penises and their ability to maintain erections for a really long time.

Sometimes they use drugs like Viagra to do this.

Other times, the video is edited to make it look like one continuous sex session when it’s not.

They are also usually always hairless and without pubic hair.

This is for the express purpose of close-ups – not because all women prefer hairless men.

3. Do Not Compare Your Partner to the Women You See in Porn

This may seem obvious, but I need to spell it out. In detail.

Female porn stars usually have fake boobs that are bigger and rounder than her natural body type and which point to the ceiling no matter what position she’s in. Regular boobs don’t look or move like that.

Often, women in porn have also had surgery on their vaginas to make them look “neat.”

Vagina surgery. It exists.

So the vaginas that you see in porn look very different from real life vaginas, which are much more diverse in appearance.

There are all sorts of other things female porn stars do to alter the appearance of their genitals, everything from lasering off their pubic hair to bleaching their anuses.

Yes, I know. You really don’t want to be discussing anal bleaching with your mum, but here we are, and it’s for your own good.

You need to know that there’s nothing remotely natural about the bodies you see in most porn.

4. Women in Porn Are Faking It

Female porn stars are paid to look like they enjoy everything. All of it – no matter how uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassing, or painful.

These women are paid to fake rapture even when they’re being degraded or abused. Even when they’re subject to violence. The more humiliating and dangerous it is, the more they are paid.

Think about that for a moment.

If you have to pay someone more to do something, it’s because they don’t want to do it.

That’s why you must never think that the female responses you see in porn are in any way indicative of the way real women will respond to the same things.

5. You Don’t Want a Partner Who Will Fake Her Enjoyment

Real women will generally take a lot longer to warm up than the women you see in porn who are paid to be theatrical and whose “pleasure” is almost always an act.

6. Porn Sex Is Not Indicative of Mainstream Female Taste

Within a loving, consensual sexual relationship, there are no rights or wrongs. Different strokes for different folks.

But there are some things that porn portrays as enjoyable for all women when in fact, many women are not okay with them. Coming on her face is one. Anal sex is another.

Did you know that female porn stars are paid twice as much to have anal sex as they are for vaginal sex? Now you do.

And remember what I said about women being paid more for certain types of sex – it means the porn stars need extra incentive.

The same goes for spanking, hair pulling, or any kind of rough treatment.

Just because you’ve seen it in porn, don’t assume it will fly in real life.

Always ask first.

Never make the mistake of thinking that a girl is into something just because you saw it in porn or because the last girl you slept with liked it.

7. Porn Is Made by Men for Men

That means what you see is usually what men want to do – not what women enjoy.

It’s almost impossible to speak in absolutes here because sexual tastes are highly individual, but let’s compare porn to food.

There are certain foods which have a limited fanbase – say, brains and Brussels sprouts.

Sure, there are some people who genuinely enjoy eating those foods (and good for them! no judgment!), but these people are not indicative of the mainstream majority.

Now imagine if every cooking program on TV featured these two ingredients in every meal that was cooked.

It would be weird, right?

But if you watched a lot of cooking shows, you could be easily fooled into believing everyone loves brains and Brussels sprouts. EVERYONE. ALL THE TIME.

They don’t. And porn is like that.

By making things like anal sex, double and triple penetration, and coming on women’s faces standard in most porn, you could easily be misled into thinking every woman liked those things. Nuh-uh.

Think of them as the brains and Brussels sprouts of sex. An acquired taste. Loved by some. Loathed by many.

So always ask your guests before you try to serve them up.

***

I think I’ve probably given you enough to think about at this point.

Now I want you to share this letter with your friends. Put it on Facebook.

Oh, and when I told you I was writing this letter, you asked if I could include a video at the end.

So here it is. (Warning: It’s rude.)

Love,
Mum
xxxxx

If you have kids, are you planning on talking to them about porn? And how do you go about talking to kids about porn, or similar topics?

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Harriet Pawson is a contributing editor to the Australian women’s website Mamamia.com.au.