18 Things Orthodox Jewish Feminists Are Tired of Being Told

Speaker 1: Did you just say the F-word?

Speaker 2: You’re right. Women should have more of an active role in Jewish communal life. I just don’t think people are ready for that yet. You know, maybe in another ten years or fifty years – or for sure in another 2000 years.

Speaker 1: Look, I agree with you. I do. I just don’t want to call myself a feminist.

Speaker 3: Yeah, but why call it feminism? Why can’t you call it something less provocative?

Speaker 2: But you’re too pretty to be a feminist.

Speaker 3: Women don’t need to do all those extra things because they’re so holy.

Speaker 2: “Sheloh asani isha” isn’t derogatory towards women. Let me mansplain this for you.

Speaker 1: Well, I don’t want to read from the Torah, and I don’t understand why any woman would want to, so I don’t think any women should.

Speaker 2: There was no women’s section? Well, what do you expect? Women don’t come to Maariv. (Sighs.) So demanding.

Speaker 3: You want to wrap tefillin? Next thing you know, you’re going to be wrapping a piece of bacon around a traif hot dog and eating it.

Speaker 2: You’re learning Bava Kama? Well, let me know if you need any help with that. I’ll just be over here and the Artscroll is over there.

Speaker 1: Stop trying to be a man, okay?

Speaker 3: Oh, you’re one of those.

Speaker 2: Hey, so I’m a feminist. I’m totally socially conscious. So, will you go out with me?

Speaker 1: Yeah, I’m not a feminist because I believe in equality.

Speaker 3: You’re never going to find a husband if you keep this up. Your shidduch resume. Think of your shidduch resume.

Speaker 1: You need to keep your feminist agenda away from orthodoxy. Like, are you even orthodox? Can you be orthodox and a feminist?

Speaker 2: If we let women speak from the bimah, next thing you know we’ll be ordaining them as rabbis, and we all know where that leads. Mixed dancing.