Do you think saying you’re “not into” a certain race is just a matter of preference?
A lot of people do – and Kat Blaque used to be one of them. But in this episode of her True Tea series, Kat shares how she’s since come to realize how her “preferences” were actually informed by white supremacy.
Her honest reflections offer a lot to think about – like how you’ve been influenced by the beauty myths society teaches to all of us. Does this video remind you of any of your dating experiences?
The Editors at Everyday Feminism
Click for the Transcript
True Tea. Your questions, my brutal honesty.
Hey guys, it’s Kat and it’s time for your weekly dose of True Tea. If you’re not already subscribed, please feel free to subscribe so you can get your True Tea every single Sunday in your subscription box.
Anyhow, today I am actually drinking some vanilla and cinnamon black tea from Trader Joe’s. How much of a terrible stereotype am I? Let me know what’s in your mug. I’m always looking for tea suggestions, so please put them in the comment box below.
Anyways, let’s get into today’s e-mail:
Can I ask you a question? Because I’ve seen many posts on Tumblr about this topic, but I’ve never seen a clear answer on the subject. For example, is it racist if I say I don’t like Asian guys? Because I have seen many posts on Tumblr saying that you’re racist if you don’t like a race. Then on the other side, I’ve seen posts on Tumblr saying that you aren’t because it’s just a preference. I’m very confused on the subject.
I’m a black girl, obviously, and when someone tells me that they’re not interested in black girls, I’m really not that upset about it. Only because to me rejection is one of those situations that leaves you open to more possibilities. I know a lot of people have a hard time dealing with rejection, but for me rejection has always been, you know, it’s saving my time, it’s saving my energy. Why would I want to go out with a guy who didn’t like me before he met me? He made the decision that he didn’t like black girls, so he doesn’t like black girls.
To me, I just can’t be bothered to even pretend to waste my time on that. I don’t care. So I want to say that. I want to make that very, very clear. I don’t believe in trying to explain to a man why I am desirable as a black woman. That’s really demeaning to me. It has never really made any sense to me, and it is what it is.
Now, however, let’s talk about racial preferences. Right, because, and I can admit this, even though it’s really problematic: There was a time where I was guilty of putting racial preferences in my profile.
I remember there was a time where I used to say I only dated white and Latino men. Right? That’s what I put in my profile. Now we can have a whole conversation about Latino and how there are white Latinos, there are black Latinos, there are Asian Latinos, but that’s what I put in my profile, so we’re just going to be honest, okay?
And that was very, very much—when I think about it, when I look back at myself back then, that was very much something that was informed by white supremacy. In society, we are taught since day one that the most desirable partner is white. We’re taught that beauty is white.
The entire industry of beauty is geared towards white women. Right? And so it’s natural to be a person of color and to view that as an elevated position and therefore pursue that. And I know for me, I can be honest about it now, I didn’t think about it like this back then, I think for me, having the approval of a white man made me feel good.
To me, that is something that, when I really thought about it and I really taken itm like, I’d been honest about it and really considered it, it’s so messed up. It’s so funny now because ever since I’ve really become more socially aware about racism, more socially conscious about things like white supremacy, I actually find myself way, way, way more physically attracted to men of color than I do white men on average.
That all being said, I think that the cause of having racial preferences is very much informed by that and I think that it’s something that a lot of people say because they have an idea. I grew up in an extremely diverse neighborhood. I knew people of every race from almost every country you could ever think of.
Even within that, I think grew up thinking—I probably knew three white people growing up, but I still desired whiteness. And to me, you have to really think about why you have these preferences. Whenever I ask someone, whenever I see someone who has racial preferences and I ask them why, when you ask somebody why they have these preferences, usually you’ll get an answer and that answer will usually reveal that these racial preferences are actually quite racist.
I’ve been on dates with guys who have said to me point blank, we’re on a date, we’re sitting in here, we’re having a conversation, we’re on a date. And they’ve said to me that they preferred Asian women because Asian women are more submissive. Asian women maintain femininity in ways that white women never maintained femininity, that black women don’t even maintain femininity, da, da, da, da, da. Because they viewed Asian women as the most ideal feminine figure.
Right? I live in Southern California, so there’s a large Asian population, always from where I’m from there’s a large Asian population. That wasn’t too outside of the realm of possibility. That’s fucking racist. You have to really think about why you have these preferences. Why do you prefer a person of this race or that race or that look? Do you know what I mean?
I think when you really start to think about these things and really start to digest these things and really start to be honest with yourself about that, you can start to realize that this is messed up.
Why are you preferring? Why are you even feeling the need to put that in your profile that you prefer a person of this race or that race, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera? A lot of people will say that it’s physical, but I’ve had so many men who have contacted me whose profiles said that they weren’t attracted to black women, who contacted me very much being into black women.
To me, it’s like you have to think about these things. I do think there is a lot of fucked up racism that is definitely within the act of you publicly, loudly proclaiming that you’re only interested in people of this race. I think that that’s something that you should actually think about.
I, again, am not someone who gets upset with people being like, “Oh, I don’t like black girls,” because okay, good for you. Why would I want to deal with somebody who’s not interested in me? At the same time, you have to think about that because again, I had so many white men sit across from me and say, “Oh, you’re not like those other black girls” or “You’re really pretty for a black girl.” “You’re this” or “you’re that for a black girl.”
Because they have this idea of what a black woman is in their mind and they know that they don’t like that. We’re all diverse. We’re all hella, hella, hella diverse, especially black women. We’re diverse, we have different interests, we have different things.
I think that a lot of times when people reject anyone of any race, they’re usually basing it on stereotypes. They’re usually basing it on this idea that they have of a person’s race, but not actually who those people are.
I think that on that level, on that ground, I think it’s really worth you sitting down with yourself, backing away from it, and maybe realizing that it’s a little racist. If it’s not racist, it’s definitely prejudiced.
Anyway, on that note, hopefully you guys enjoyed that brew. I know that the comments section is going to be all over the place, so please again be cordial. Of course, give me your True Tea in the comment box below. If you like this mug, you can get this mug in my Society6 store and so many other things. Tee-shirts, mugs, whatever, whatever, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
If you want my True Tea, you can send me an e-mail to [email protected] and don’t forget that you can also send me a video that I can include in the video.
On that note, always remember and never forget that you are beautiful and you are loved. Bye.
If you like this video, you can support my work by becoming a monthly Patreon patron.
To learn more about this topic, check out:
- Does Racial Bias Affect Your Dating Life?
- 7 Things to Remember If You’re a White Person Dating a Person of Color
Kat Blaque is a Contributing Vlogger for Everyday Feminism. She’s also a children’s illustrator and thrift store shopper. Check out Kat’s website and YouTube channel, and follow Kat on Twitter @. Watch her videos here!