Hello and welcome to this thing that I do on the Internet. Today, I’ll be doing a bisexual makeup tutorial.
The first thing I’m going to do is start with a nice, clean moisturized face. This is to simulate the clean slate that we’re all born with before homophobia and societal gender norms are shoved down our throats.
Next, I’ll be priming by face with a nice thick coat of heteronormativitiy. For my foundation, I’ll be applying a straight passing privilege, and you can perpetuate this myth using either the straight community or the LGBT community. That’s what’s so great about being bisexual. You’re just not accepted anywhere.
Use your favorite concealer to cover up any blemishes you may have. You want to make sure that your imperfections are about as visible as the bi community.
“Oh my God! Where are you going? I can barely see you.”
This is great. You’re almost as invisible as an actual bisexual person. Ha ha, that’s a joke. Bisexuals don’t exist.
Next, I’ll be using a contour kit that has about as many different shades of powder as there are sexual identities and gender identities within the queer community. But we don’t want equal representation, so we’re going to use a very select few.
I’ll be going back over my concealer with a highlighter to make sure that any and all traces of bisexuality are completely erased from my face. Just like they are in modern-day media. I’ll be applying an even lighter highlighter to the rest of my face in a shade called “Feminine White Lesbian.” This shade is oversexualized exclusively for the male gaze and can be turned back to straight at any time.
For my contour, I’ll be using a shade called “Sassy Gay White Male.” I’m going to be applying a lot of it to make sure that my face is about as oversaturated with this powder as the media is with this harmful stereotype. Great! Now my face looks as well defined as society’s idea of the perfects gays and lesbians.
Drawing inspiration of British super model Cara Delevingne, I’ll be filling in my eyebrows with a dark brown pencil. Tabloids have been filled with articles regarding Cara’s sexuality. Is she gay? Is she straight? We all know by now that these are the only two possible sexualities.
So, make sure that your eyebrows are the focal point of your makeup so that you can draw attention away from the constant look of confusion on your bisexual face. Awesome! You can hardly tell that I don’t know if I’m gay or straight.
I’ll be using Urban Decay’s Naked palette for my eyes. As you can see, my palette is pretty old. Which is exactly what you want to represent society’s outdated and archaic views of sexuality. I’ll be applying a shade called “Naked” to my upper eyelids. This is especially appropriate because everyone knows that bisexuals are simply looking for an excuse to be sexually promiscuous.
Using a shimmery white color, I’ll be highlighting right underneath my brow bone and the inner corners of my eye. This is primarily to draw attention to my eyes so that I can better seduce men and women and ruin the relationships of both straight and lesbian couples.
No bisexual’s makeup would be complete without a little drama. So I’m going to be applying multiple thick coats of mascara. Since everyone knows that bisexuals are big, huge fakers, I’ll be applying a three day fiber lash mascara to simulate fake eyelashes. I’m really trying to make sure that I’m using absolutely as much mascara as I possibly can because everyone knows that bisexuals are just greedy.
The last step is to apply a nice new lip gloss. I’ll be using the shade “Taboo.” What’s great about this color is that it ensures the taboo word bisexual never leaves your lips. You can find this shade of lip gloss most frequently used in the show Orange Is the New Black, where the main character is bisexual, but the word bisexual is never actually used.
Finally, my bisexual look is complete. Now I’m ready for my favorite part of the day, taking advantage of my straight-passing privilege. There’s nothing I love more than having a vital part of who I am as a human being be completely ignored. This luck will get me through a long day of threesomes and wrecking relationships.
All in a bisexual’s day’s work.
That was my bisexual makeup tutorial. I just wanted to passively aggressively talk to you guys about some of the issues I feel [that] I and everybody else who identifies as bisexual face in today’s society while I did my makeup. So, it’s a win, win.
As always, you can check out my previous video, where I told you guys about my worst Valentine’s Day ever. Definitely check that one out. You can click down there to subscribe to me and get notified when I make a new video. I upload every Monday and Friday. Now, sometimes Wednesday. Will this be a regular thing? I don’t know. Who knows? It’s a mystery. Probably. But yeah, I will definitely see you guys on Friday. Bye.