Jenny Yang: This is a story of when I realized why I don’t date white guys. See, in the past, it was a long string of Latinos and a Korean. And that didn’t work out and I’m missing out on a whole dating pool. So I was like, I’m going to open it up on OKCupid. Let’s date a white guy. But I didn’t figure out my limits with white guys until my third date with this guy, Jim. His real name wasn’t Jim, but it was basically Jim.
Jim: My parents were totally right, the piano lessons really did pay off.
Jenny: We’re not going to tell them that though, right? (Laughs)
Jim: No. I think me being a professional musician might tip them off.
Jenny: Yeah, totally.
Jenny: During the walk, I could feel him making a move, but I was ready, so as he was leaning in, I blocked him.
Jenny: No! These plants aren’t native to California, right?
Jim: Hey, let’s stop by my house, it’s on the way to lunch. Let me show you those jazz records.
Jenny: In his defense, we were actually talking about his jazz records. Jim makes a beeline to his bedroom. As I follow him, I see something out of the corner of my eye: a set of decorative Samurai swords. And in that moment, a rush of memories snap in. He did tell me on our first date that he taught English in Japan. And oh right, he did tell me on our second date that he took Mandarin Chinese classes. What was I thinking? He wants to add me to his decorative Oriental objects.
You know, maybe it’s just the one thing. What is it they say? Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, but three times? Is an enemy action!
Even my extra Chinese immigrant parents’ house has three fewer calligraphy scrolls than this guy. In that moment of panic, I imagined that all Jim wanted was someone in that bedroom wearing a silky kimono robe, chopsticks in her hair and ribbon dancing for him.
Because let’s be honest, the only two sub-populations are people that I could possibly date who would have that many Chinese calligraphy scrolls on their walls would be: Number one, really Asian gangster AZN pride gangster dudes who have these scrolls un-ironically because “that shit’s beautiful.” The second group, owners of Chinatown Chirico gift shops who lack storage. I knew the date was over, but I still wanted that Vietnamese food that Jim said was so good. I’m at the front door, and as I’m putting on my shoes because, of course.
Jenny: What’s that?
Jim: That’s just the culmination of my entire music career.
Jenny: In the middle of this plaque was a photo of him shaking the hand of an old important white guy. Jim is wearing a blue silk chinaman jacket. For the biggest moment of Jim’s entire career, he wanted to look like Jackie Chan.
That was it! I was like, I’m done with Whiteland. I could see the bridge to Whiteland, and it looks really great on the other side with their high cheek bones, J. Crew outfits, and potato salad, but I was done.
At first I thought, I’m going to bomb this bridge to Whiteland, no Jenny shall pass. And then I realized it’s not that I shouldn’t date any white guys, it’s that I should not date a white guy who’s more Asian than me.
