(Fans screaming and clapping in the background)
Ron Collins: All right. I’m Ron Collins.
Ann Marie Roberts: And I’m Ann Marie Roberts. Today, in honor of Black History Month, we have a very special guest for you.
Ron: That’s right. She’s a professor of urban studies and the best-selling author of The Venus Fly Trap House: A Downward Spiral in Crime. Please, ladies and gentleman, Kathy Sinclair.
Kathy: (Touching Ann Marie’s hair) Love the hair, girlfriend.
Ann Marie: All right. Thanks for being here, Kathy. Let’s just jump right in to hot topics, shall we? Your book on crime culture is number one right now.
Ron: Right.
Ann Marie: I think it’s fair to say that we’re sitting here with an expert.
Ron: That’s right. Kathy, let’s talk about all the crime that’s happening in our society, even some happening in our very own communities.
Kathy: Yes, and definitely in yours.
Ann Marie: The first story that we have today is about a guy who killed his mother over an allowance of $200.
Ron: Ugh, these thugs are out of control!
Kathy: These teens from the low-income communities, they’re prone to violence.
Ann Marie: Actually, this guy was pretty wealthy, Whiteman. Dwight S. Whiteman to be exact.
Kathy: Oh, Dwight Whiteman! Oh, okay. Dwight Whiteman. All right. Yeah, no. He just snapped one day. It’s so sad. Mental health is not taken seriously enough in this culture.
Ron: You know, I was just talking to myself about that very same thing yesterday.
Ann Marie: Last week, there was a riot. It was in a parking lot. Nine people were arrested, 13 were hospitalized and five were bludgeoned to death. Now this is a problem.
Ron: That’s right, and it was all over a football jersey that was the “wrong color.” Uh. These people are animals.
Kathy: Single mothers, low income, the Jordans. All right. It’s all just a recipe for senseless violence.
Ron: And this particular incident took place on a college campus, Ohio State University.
Ann Marie: Yeah, so no gang violence, just a bunch of sports fanatics beating each other to death senselessly over a football game.
Kathy: Oh, that’s OSU. See, I heard it and I was like, “Urban.” But they probably just had one too many beers.
Ron: How many beers would it take for someone to bludgeon someone. Would it be two past blackout? I’m asking for a friend. (Audience laughs)
Ann Marie: You said that you thought “urban” when you heard the crime. Let’s unpack that. Do you mean “street?” Do you mean “colored?” Do you mean “black?” (Audience gasps)
Ron: Oooh! All right!
Kathy: African-American.
Ron: We don’t really have to bring race into this. I’m sure Kathy just means that people commit crimes for a whole host of reasons, isn’t that right?
Kathy: That’s right. Yes. Also, black people do carry the senseless violence gene. You know, that’s why there’s no white-on-white crime. (Audience gasps angrily)
Ron: All right. That is our black history Snapple fact.
Kathy: That’s your wiggidy-whack black fact! Ahahaha!
Ron: Chicago! This weekend in Chicago a lone gunman shot seven people, killed seven people, injured four, and then took himself out. I mean, this is crazy. And I believe his name is Rasheed Wallace.
Ann Marie: What was his reason, doc? Was he born to kill too? Maybe his poor single mother ate bullets for breakfast, so he was packing heat in utero. Maybe his first words were “bang, bang, kill a gang.” Like what do we mean?
Kathy: I don’t think we need to over think this. He lives in Chicago. His name is Rasheed. We know why he’s violent.
Ann Marie: Why? Because he was born black?
Kathy: No because he was born Muslim! (Audience gasps)
Ann Marie: Okay!
Ron: As-Salaam-Alaikum everyone!
Ann Marie: This is ridiculous. I’m not going to sit here anymore. This is ridiculous. You don’t even know what you’re talking about. I didn’t read your book in the first place. I don’t have time for this.
Ron: Okay, wait, what do you… let’s… Alright, c’mon, man. (Touches Ann Marie’s back)
Ann Marie: (Yanking herself away from Ron) You better move over here. I keep telling you to stop booking these people on this show. Your book is dumb, and I hate your sweater. How about that? (Walking off of the set)
Kathy: Okay. All right.
Ann Marie: You’re wearing a black sweater right now.
Kathy: Okay.
Ann Marie: You’re wearing a black sweater, an African-American sweater.
Kathy: She’s a little turned up, a little turned up.
Ron: I am so sorry that she went all Whoopie Goldberg on you. It must be the hair, I don’t know. Baby daddy stuff. Please come back again. Give it up for Kathy everybody. Let’s here it. [Audience claps.]
Kathy: Thanks. Thank you very much. Thanks.
Ron: High five! (Stands up and raises hand)
Kathy: (Flinches away from him and screams) Ahh! Rape!