Hey everybody. This week on Ask Cristen I’m a little raspy, sort of throaty, which can only mean one thing. Winter is coming!
So this week’s Ask Cristen question is coming from a gentleman who asked to remain anonymous because of the personal nature of what he was sharing with me. Specifically the struggle that he’s been having recently coming out as gay and also coming to grips with his overweight body image.
He said in his letter, “It was not uncommon to hear ‘There is no worse fate than to be fat and gay,’ and I’m finding this to be true in my own experience.”
I feel like the most I can really do is start a conversation about it, especially because I am, well, I’m a straight woman.
Research estimates that gay men have eating disorders at rates three times higher than that among straight men. 15% of all gay men have bottled anorexia or bulimia at some point in their lives. More broadly, research has confirmed a very strong correlation between the gay community and the so-called pursuit of muscularity – of that v-back, six-pack ab, chiseled body being very much an Adonis ideal.
Of course there are a number of non-Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love kinds of body types and body hair types within the gay community that are particularly attractive to certain kinds of guys, i.e. bears, otters, et cetera. But a lot of gay men, not all of them, but a lot of them feel an out-sized – pun – pressure to conform to an often unrealistic attractiveness standard. And this was something that BuzzFeed entertainment editor Louis Peitzman wrote about in a really gripping personal essay a couple of years ago, “It Gets Better, Unless You’re Fat.”
1. Big = Manly
Cristen: One of the big puzzles, though, when it comes to gay body image is why this is, why this particular pattern seems to exist. Yeah, there are some pretty homophobic theories that, “Oh, well, basically it’s because gay men are just like women.” Ugh!
There are also some more compelling theories about how there is this strong link between muscularity and masculinity constructs. And that perhaps some of it is motivated as a way to combat broader homophobia by essentially making yourself look like this idealized man to protect yourself in a way.
2. AIDS Crisis
There have been some scholars who think that it has to do with the aids crisis in the 70s when so many men were dying and were very sick and thin and that led some gay men to hit the gym in order to not look sick and this is what they called “protest muscularity.”
3. Internalized Homophobia
Some think too that it might have a little bit to do with internalized homophobia, being really uncomfortable knowing that you’re gay and so you try to make yourself look as almost straight as possible by really pumping up.
4. Natural Attraction
Or maybe it’s way more cut and dried as some people have suggested that that’s just what a lot of gay dude find super-duper sexy. And this is a question for all of us to explore regardless of who we are, our tribe or community might be. How do we foster a healthy body image for everyone while still allowing room for people to be attracted and to find sexy what they are attracted to and find sexy but not bringing everyone down to your sexy level.
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This is an issue, too, that straight guys are increasingly grappling with as well because there is more focus on male body image. There is certainly an idealized straight dude as well and he does also look a lot like Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love and some researchers wonder if straight guys are dealing with eating disorders, pursuit of muscularity, body image quandaries at the same rate as gay guys but they are so much more hesitant to come forward and talk about it and even acknowledge it.
All of us are highly complex people who are juggling all of these complex things like gender identity, sexual orientation, body image, career ambition, family background, et cetera all at once. Assuming that only one of those aspects of us needs support and love and respect and nurturing is so short-sighted. So if anything hopefully this is a helpful reminder that we are people with needs for support both inside and out.
I’m really, really curious to hear especially from people who might be in an historically marginalized community, whatever that might mean, because there are lots of different ways that that can be interpreted. But you also deal with this other layer of internal shaming because of how you look.
Just dudes in general dealing with body image issues, let’s have a conversation. I want to know what’s on your mind when you look in the mirror. Let me know in the commen – just caught my ring on my sweater. That is the number one danger of getting engaged.
As always, dear friends, be sure to ask me your questions, whatever is on your mind and whether it’s relative to what I’m talking about right now or not so that I can give you some answers.
