Dear Feminist Men

August 10, 2014 / Melissa A. Fabello

Male allies are extremely important and valuable to the feminist movement! They use their positions of privilege to further the cause in ways that women can’t, and for that we’re grateful.

That said, there are a few trends in male feminist behavior that could definitely stand to change. Watch Melissa A. Fabello give a few tongue-in-cheek reminders to male feminists.

Click for the Transcript

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about dudes lately. And not in a fun way. Not in a man-hating way either. Just–ya know–thinking. About male allies in particular–male feminists, if you will. And I feel like I’ve got a lot to say.

Let’s start here: I love me some allies. You do work that I can’t do. You support me in my missions. You treat me with dignity and respect. You’re not scum. And that’s awesome.

But some of you aren’t doing so great. Some of you call yourselves feminists and then do some really sexist, misogynist things. Some of you talk a really good talk, but when it comes to applying feminist values to your everyday lives, really don’t walk the walk too well. And I—and I’m just confused.

So I wanted to give you a few reminders – just a few – on how to be a good ally. So, dear feminist men:

You still have social power – in every interaction you have in a day. Yes, even with fellow feminists. Just because I’m feminist and you’re a feminist doesn’t mean that when we have a conversation, magically socialization goes out the window. Think about that actively. Please?

You have a duty to amplify the voices of women. That means you should share our work. It means you should reference our resources. It means that if you get called to be on a panel, you need to ask whether or not there’s a woman on that panel, too. Yeah. Even if the panel is on masculinity. Because just like you can talk about feminism, we can talk about manhood. We’re well-versed in manhood.

Speaking of masculinity, could you not make everything about you? Part of breaking down patriarchal norms involves deconstructing hegemonic masculinity. Talking about how patriarchy stifles men and how to strive toward a more positive masculinity is important, necessary work. Keep doing it. But if the bulk of your feminist work is putting the focus on men, you’re kind of missing the point. Do both.

Trans* guys exist. I’ve seen so many lists coming out lately like, you know, “The Top Ten Feminist Dudes You Wanna Follow on Twitter” or, like, “Five Feminist Dudes Doing Great Work”–which is cool–but then it turns out they’re all cisgender. If you’re going to compile or be featured in a list of kick‐ass feminist men, make sure trans* guys are included. And if you don’t have any trusted go-tos already, sounds like you’ve got homework.

Let’s talk about sex. Remember how I was saying that you can’t just shut off your socialization? That also applies in sex. Like, I have actually seen so-called feminist guys get women to sleep with them just by virtue of being feminist guys. That’s fucked up! Don’t use feminism to get laid. That’s not what it’s here for.

You could argue that feminism is supposed to be sexually liberating. But, yeah, for women! You already get to have promiscuous sex. You already get to experience sexual pleasure. You already have all of mainstream sexuality culture focused on you. Don’t use feminism as an excuse to use people.

Speaking of feminist guys and sex, look. I’m really glad that you enjoy going down on women. Right on. But it’s kinda weird when you bring it up all the time. Like, “I love eating pussy.” Me, too. What do you want, a cookie? And I get—I get what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to show that you’re not like one of those guys who thinks that cunnilingus is gross or that vulvas are ugly. But you’re upholding that same construct – that dudes aren’t supposed to like going down – when you profess your (supposedly rare) love of it. Just—just do it. We can tell whether you like it or not.

Will you tell your friends to shut the fuck up? Like, I know that attempted allyship is exhausting. My cousins are always saying racist shit on Facebook, and I’m like, “Ugh, guys, I don’t feel like getting into this right now.” But you know what else is exhausting that people don’t feel like getting into all the time? Oppression. So do the right thing and say something. “Hey, dude, maybe when you talk about your girlfriend, you shouldn’t sexually objectify her” or “Dad, I understand that you hold this belief that women are fiscally irresponsible to be true, but I actually know a lot of women who are good with money.” It doesn’t take much.

You don’t have to apologize for your gender. In fact, don’t. That’s unnecessary. I’m not mad at your gender. I’m mad at that guy for doing something effed up. I’m mad at society for letting men get away with violence. I’m not—I’m not angry at men by virtue of their being men. And if I were and I wanted an apology, it would have to be better than the “on behalf of” kind.

Women are people. You don’t have to be scared of us. I always get men who are trying to work in solidarity with me say stuff like “I really, really, really hope you don’t find this offensive, but I think you’re pretty.” Dude. On the list of my things to worry about, you finding me attractive and paying me a compliment really isn’t on it. Or they’ll give some kind of a weird disclaimer like “Trigger warning: I’m a man.” Okay. That’s—that’s okay. Don’t overthink it. When you’re overly cautious, you’re treating us like we’re fragile or on the verge of exploding, which is actually really sexist. Find a balance. Just be respectful.

And lastly, the most important reminder to feminist men: Thank you for doing what you’re doing. I know I poked a little bit of fun at you in this video, but really, I appreciate you and your work so much. Movements are strong on their own, but the work that allies do is really invaluable to our success. So keep doing what you’re doing. Just, ya know, maybe a little better.

And if there’s anything that you would like to see male allies doing a little bit better, use the hashtag #DearFeministMen on Twitter to talk about it. Until next time…

[do_widget id=”text-101″]

Melissa A. Fabello, Editor of Everyday Feminism, is a domestic violence prevention and sexuality educator, eating disorder and body image activist, and media literacy vlogger based out of Philadelphia. She enjoys rainy days, Jurassic Park, and the occasional Taylor Swift song and can be found on YouTube and Tumblr. She holds a B.S. in English Education from Boston University and an M.Ed. in Human Sexuality from Widener University. She is currently working on her PhD. She can be reached on Twitter @fyeahmfabello. Read her articles here and book her for speaking engagements here.