I Didn’t Know I Had Depression

September 2, 2014 / Marina Watanabe

Make no mistake: There is serious stigma around mental health. People are misinformed about what it is, how it’s caused, and how it can be treated. As a result, people are hesitant to consider seeking the help they need.

Check out this video in which vlogger Marina Watanabe shares her story of how she came to terms with her depression and started to manage it.

Click for the Transcript

So today’s video is going to be a little more personal. Talking about mental health is something that’s really important to me because so often it’s stigmatized and considered something that’s not acceptable to talk about with people. And I think in order to promote mental health awareness, it needs to be discussed more often and made less of a taboo.

Before I just sat down to film this, I was looking at some statistics about depression and it said something like 17.5 million people suffer from depression in the United States and 2/3 of those people go untreated. And there was another statistic that said that 80% of people with depression who did get treatment either recovered or showed improvement from their disorder.

I’ve been thinking that the 2/3 of people who go untreated (even though it’s such a highly treatable disorder) makes me really sad and I think it shows a problem with our society that so many people feel that they can’t get help or don’t know what to do. Or may not have known that what they were feeling was caused by depression, like in my case. Which is funny because I feel like most of my audience knew that I was depressed before I did. So, good job, self.

So we’re going to talk about it today because I think it’s important, and stuff.

So about a year ago I made a video about social anxiety and the sense of anxiousness that I feel almost constantly. A thing I didn’t know is that depression and anxiety often overlap so it’s kind of hard to separate one from the other.

And it wasn’t until I researched the symptoms of depression that I realized it wasn’t as cut and dry as I originally thought it was. Because I never felt sad or suicidal, so I assumed that I wasn’t depressed. But I didn’t realize that there are so many more symptoms and there’s so much more to it than just that. Every case of depression is different and it doesn’t always mean that you feel sad. It can also be a feeling of emptiness and anxiety and not wanting to do anything and feeling like I wasn’t a competent and worthwhile human being.

Pretty much with anything I said or did, there was a constant cycle of negative thoughts that made it impossible to feel good about myself. Logically I knew I wasn’t a totally shit human being, but the constant negative thoughts kind of made it impossible for me to believe that. And apparently low self esteem is a symptom of depression–another thing that I did not know until like five months ago.

Flash forward to me talking to my psychiatrist about it and finding a medication that worked for me was legitimately the best thing that I’ve ever done for myself. Like, I think I’m in the best place that I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel like I can do things now, and I feel competent. My self-esteem is so much better than it was before and I feel comfortable with myself and for the first time, I actually really like myself as a human being.

It’s funny because my whole channel is dry and sarcastic and pessimistic about life but I feel like now I’m just disgustingly optimistic about things. Which is not a thing that I think anyone really saw coming.

For a really long time, I was just like, “Wow, I’m a really negative and selfish person.” Depression is a really selfish disorder because you’re so focused on how shitty you feel and your negative thoughts that it makes it hard to care about other people. But now I can honestly appreciate and care about the people around me in a way that I wasn’t able to before. Because once you work on your own shit, then you can finally focus on other people, other than yourself.

This is probably the portion of the video where I’m supposed to give you advice, and the only advice I can really give you is that if you feel like something is not right, then go talk to someone about it. I put that off for so long because I thought, “Oh, this isn’t bad enough. I’m probably fine. I can deal with it.” But you shouldn’t have to deal with it because there are options and there are treatments and they can improve your life by so much.

It’s not cheating or taking an easy way out. It’s doing something for yourself. And I think one of the best possible things you can do for yourself is find a way to get mentally healthy.

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Marina Watanabe is a vlogger, blogger, overenthusiastic tweeter, college student, and creator of embarrassing literary tees. Her passions include putting off responsibilities and being sarcastic on all social media platforms. She is majoring in Women’s Studies with a minor in Communications at Sacramento State and hopes to continue using social media as a tool to discuss and raise awareness for feminist and social justice issues. She also runs a Tumblr called Everyday Harassment that serves as a safe space for women to share their stories and educate others on the nature and frequency of sexual harassment. Check out her Tumblr, or follow her on Twitter @marinashutup!