How I Stopped Internalizing the Shame of Rape Culture

Source: iStock

Originally published on For Harriet and republished here with their permission. 

Like most fathers, mine would do anything possible to keep his little girl safe.

One of the ways he kept me safe is by teaching me how not to become the prey of young boys. He told me not to wear tight pants once my hips came in. I also couldn’t wear tops that were fitted or had low necklines once I developed breasts.

I had to make sure all the markers of my femininity were de-emphasized, so boys didn’t look at me or think I was “fast.”

From the ages of twelve to fifteen, a week didn’t go by that we weren’t debating over how appropriate my clothes were.

We’d be rushing out to church, and he’d make me go change my shirt because it didn’t cover my butt. Or I’d be going out to a party, and have to change my pants because they were too tight. Shopping for clothes was tragic, as everything he bought me had to be a few sizes too big.

At first, this was merely a frustration because I just wanted to wear what I wanted to wear. But over time, having to change my clothes all the time began affecting the way I thought about myself.

I took his comments about what I could and could not show on my body to mean that there was something wrong or shameful about my changing body and shape.

I wanted to be able to feel good about the way I looked, but having to hide and disguise my body made it very hard.

Puberty was already a very confusing time – between periods, hormones, and finding hair in new places. Adding body insecurity into the mix was a lot to deal with. I didn’t think I was ugly; other girls my age were dealing with changing bodies, too.

And my female family members would make positive comments about my body filling out. I realized that all these things were a part of my growing up, but I still wasn’t prepared for the negative consequences of my changing body.

My father’s shielding of my body via conservative clothes is what showed me that my body’s existence could be used against me.

I don’t resent my father for having these rules, because in some ways I’m sure my clothes kept me from receiving even more unwanted attention than what I already did.

But even with wearing looser pants and crew neck tops, boys still looked at me, simply because I was a girl. And when I did sneak and wear my tight jeans, I didn’t do anything “fast,” because I wasn’t into boys like that. And I certainly wasn’t thinking of sex at that age.

But many parents, like my dad, feel they don’t have a choice but to teach their daughters to try to hide their bodies. Otherwise, how else can we be protected from boys and men who may objectify and sexualize us?

Most boys aren’t taught not to objectify a woman or that the mere existence of a woman’s body is not an invitation for them to touch or abuse her. Instead they’re taught persistence and to “never give up” even when a girl says no: “She’ll come around. Just give her some time.”

Boys are fed messages from the media, telling them that if a girl is wearing a short skirt, she wants to be touched and harassed. Boys are told that when a girl says “no” to their advances, she doesn’t really mean it. Women just don’t know what they want.

Most boys and men never learn they don’t have a right to a woman’s time, body, or space. As a result of this ignorance, girls and women are forced into hiding our bodies and feeling ashamed for simply existing.