Derek Waters: What’s that song again?
Crissle West: Which one?
Derek: “Bitch called me about a week ago.”
Crissle: (Laughing) First of all, how do you not know this song?
Derek: I can’t hear.
Crissle: “Bitch caught a body about a week agooo! Fuck with us, and then we’re tweak it ho, tweak it ho.”
Derek: “Bitch caught me about a week ago…”
Crissle: No. He’s saying, “Bitch, I caught a body ’bout a week ago,” meaning I killed somebody about a week ago.
Derek: Oh, now that’s where I draw the line.
Crissle: Ppsssst!!
Crissle: Hi. My name is Crissle, and today we’re going to talk about the Civil War spy, Harriet Tubman. Sooo, Harriet Tubman does not get her just due.
Like you hear her name, or you think, “She led the slaves to freedom,” but you most certainly do not know that she was a spy for the Union.
So the thing was, when the Civil War started, Harriet Tubman was like, “Wait a minute. I can do way more.” So she went down there to Port Royal, which is in South Carolina, and the Union had taken it over but it was still like, not smothered and covered, that’s fucking like biscuits…
It was surrounded by Confederacy, like, places and shit. And at first she was just like a regular-ass person. She was a nurse. And that’s when she was like, “I know I can do better than this. Like, I know I can free way more slaves than what you guys are doing right now.”
And that’s when she went to the Colonel and was like, “I could totally be a spy for you. I have connects. Like when I dress up and shit, those people have no idea who I am.” The Colonel was like —” (Crissle burps.)
Excuse me. I’ve got like a good fifteen minutes left in me before the liquor takes over and God only knows what I’ll say.
Derek: That’s great.
Crissle: (Laughs heartily) And so then the Colonel was like, “Yeah! Obviously my white ass can’t go down there. Absolutely you can be a spy. You go down there and do what the fuck you do.”
So she was like, “Okay, let me put on my field hand clothes.” And she was like five feet tall, so it was very easy for her to like blend into the background. And she is able to like go to the plantations, and she was like, “Hey guys, not to stir up any shit or whatever, but like, I know y’all are tired of being slaves. I was totally tired of being a slave. And none of us have to be slaves any more, so like, whoever is down to help the Union, just let me know.” So everybody was like, “Cool.”
Then she would go out. She had these friends who were mariners, which are basically just people who work in the water, like with water shit. She’s like, “I know there are mines out here, so let’s work together and find out where this shit is, because I’m a spy, and I’m going to get this shit. Like I’m going to burn this shit down.”
And so then she went back to the Colonel and she was like, “I have this idea to burn up all the plantations. Here is all my research, and you should just let me do it.” And the Colonel was like, “Well, fuck it. Like, I don’t have shit to lose. Let’s work together and burn that si*t down.”
So they got together and she was like, “Listen. This is about to be… Like, I’m not even about to you bullshit you, this is about to be some bullshit, like this is about to be like a real stealth operation. You motherfuckers have never seen no shit like this before. Like I got some dope ass shit planned out, but I need y’all to all be down and just do what the fuck I say. I got this shit.”
And in June 1… 1863, yes. On 1863, they begin this raid. So Harriet Tubman is like, on the Combahee River and shit and she was like, “I’m down for this shit. Like, I’m ready.” And so when the raid started, she knew where the mines and shit were in the water. She and her team of mariners, it would have been like, “Aw fuck that. Aw fuck that. Like, we’re not going to get caught by you stupid-ass traps, you fucking slave owners.”
And then the owners of the plantations, these crazy-ass racist white people would see all these black people coming. They’d be like, “What the fuck is this? What the f—” (Crissle stops speaking and looks up puzzlingly) “What the f—” (Looks up again) It’s just that the mic moved.
Derek: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
Crissle: Is it still. (Stares puzzlingly at the mic again) I’m sorry. I’m focused.
And they were like, “Hey, hey racist-ass white person, here’s another racist-ass white person here to warn you that you know Harriet Tubman is coming with her army full of bad bitches.” And so then they would start shooting and shit, but by then, Harriet Tubman was like, “Bitch, you too late. Like, me and my people are already here.”
And guns back then was fucking like basic as fuck. Them guns weren’t doing shit. So they would take their torches and be like, “Yeah!” and go in and just burn these plantations down and then dip.
And then they would go again. Like, this raid, it was twenty-five miles along the Combahee River. And they’re just like burning shit down, freeing slaves, getting on the boat, traveling again, avoiding the mines…
And so at the end of the day — night — end of the raid, Harriet Tubman was like, “God damn, I freed 750 slaves. Like, this shit is dope as hell.”
And her plan, it was the first military operation that was executed and led by an American woman, and it was planned by a former slave who could not read or write, who was only five-feet tall, who was both black and a woman and she still pulled this shit off. She helped the Union win the war. She freed like, at least a thousand slaves in her lifetime. She was just dope as hell.
God! Black people been through so much shit. Black people been through so much.
Derek: I don’t know how to respond to that (Crissle bursts out laughing) except… I agree.
