Let’s play a game of dating mad libs.
“Wow, you’re really attractive for a ______.”
“I would never date a ______.”
How about, “I only date ______, because they’re really ______.”
I’ve got some bad news for you. Whether it’s online or in real life, when it comes to dating, at some point the question of racial preferences comes into play. “You’re going out with a—” (Whispers the sentence “She’s going out with a black guy” as she holds the phone down to her shoulder) No, no, no, it’s… I mean hello, Obama!”
When you look at the numbers, dating sites paint a very specific picture of who’s trying to get with who online.
A recent study analyzed 2.4 million interactions on the Facebook app, Are You Interested, and it found that most men were interested in women outside of their race, but overall they preferred Asian women.
And data from over a million messages exchanged on OKCupid showed that white women tend to favor white men, while Asian and Latina women almost exclusively go for white guys. “Man, when is a white man going to get a break in this nation?”
On the other hand, black men, Asian men, and black women tend to get the lowest response online. And keep in mind, that’s just when it comes to straight people.
So what’s going on here? When you bring it down to a personal level, you could argue that you can’t control who you’re attracted to. “I don’t know, it’s just like in my bones – I just want to bone Asian chicks.”
As it turns out, attraction is really complicated. That’s because perceptions of who’s hot and who’s not are largely influenced by society. “Look, I was born this way, okay. I’ve just never been into black guys.” That includes everything from social status, body type, and yes, race.
Historically, white people have always been framed as the ideal beauty standard, just Google “beautiful woman” or “beautiful man,” and you’ll see lots and lots of white.
And other than Denzel, People Magazine’s sexiest man alive is always a white guy. Really? We got old ass Harrison Ford and no Reinaldo? That man is simply dashing.
Even in communities of color, historically, people who are multiracial, part white, or fair-skinned are often seen as more attractive. In the 1920s, the paper bag test was used to mark the cutoff for attractive black folks as nothing darker than a paper bag. Allegedly, there were even black sororities and fraternities that required pledges to pass the test.
But it’s not just the black community that deals with these nasty beauty standards. In China and India, it’s not uncommon to see skin lightening commercials where women go from “ugly” to “beautiful” as their skin becomes lighter. In fact, one of the most popular photo editing apps in Asia cannot only lighten skin tones, but even widen eyes.
So yes, attraction and beauty, the things that feel incredibly personal and almost automatic, can be skewed by society’s preconceptions.
But it’s not just about whiteness. When being white is presented as the ideal beauty standard, society fetishizes and dismisses anything that’s different. I mean, how many of these have we all heard?
“Asian women are slight, delicate, and submissive.” “Black men are aggressive.” “Latinos are passionate.” “Asian dudes are weak and have small d*cks.” Ah, there’s just so many, and they’re so racist!
The problem is even “positive stereotypes” or “Wow, I can’t believe you don’t fit the stereotype!” is still racist.
Once this guy told me, “Wow, you’re like the prettiest black girl I’ve ever seen.” Which sounds like a compliment, but um, have you seen Beyonce? Even so, that essentially says that I’m pretty despite being black, or that all black girls are ugly. No thanks.
What about people of color that don’t want to date white people? Well, that’s kind of tricky too, because usually people of color not wanting to date white people is a defense mechanism to avoid being fetishized or avert racism.
So who the hell can you be attracted to? Can you never date outside your race? Can you even change your own psychology?
Here, I’m going to let you in on a little not-so-secret secret, I’m married to a white guy. “(Gasp!) I don’t even know you.”
But I didn’t even up with him because he’s white. I like him because he’s funny, and weird, and he makes me happy.
And if you haven’t really dated outside of your own race or ethnicity, just leave yourself open to being surprised. Maybe that Asian guy has got a huge… heart.
Have you ever dated someone outside your race? Let me know in the comments, and check out the description box to take the Look Different Racial Bias quiz, to dig deep and see some of the ways racial bias might be affecting you.
SOURCES
Odds Favor White Men, Asian Women On Dating App: http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitc…
How Your Race Affects The Messages You Get: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/you…
Paper Bag Test: Letter From 1928 Addresses Black Fraternity And Sorority Colorism At Howard University: http://www.watchtheyard.com/history/b…
These skin-lightening commercials will infuriate you (and should shame India’s ad industry): http://qz.com/219698/these-skin-light…
