Hey y’all. This is another video I’m doing in a series with Everyday Feminism, which is a website dedicated to helping you break down and stand up to everyday oppression.
In this video, I want to talk about how being in a relationship or dating doesn’t mean that you don’t get to set boundaries or make your own choices about your body.
I want to talk about this because I think often, relationships can confuse our notions of consent. There are societal norms regarding what’s “expected” of you once you are in a relationship, like the idea that if you looked a certain way when you entered the relationship, you somehow owe it to them to continue looking that way. Or norms that tell you that you’re required to be physically intimate with your partner x amount of times to be a “good” partner.
Even when you know that these norms are bullshit, they can still make it confusing to navigate how to set boundaries and have them respected in a relationship. It’s your body and yours alone, and being with someone does not give them any right over your body.
So when I say I want to talk about body autonomy, I use that term not only because it means to have control over what or who uses your body for what and how long, but also because it’s considered to be a human right.
So we all have the right to control our bodies, and this does not change when you enter a relationship. It does not change when you’ve been in a relationship for thirty, fifty, sixty years.
You don’t have to have sex, be touched, or alter your body in any way if you don’t want to, even if it’s with your partner, or you haven’t communicated your boundaries before, or they have preferences about how you look. Even if you’ve set boundaries, and now they’ve changed. Even if you shaved your legs when y’all started dating.
When you want to stop or you don’t like what just happened, you have the right to stop and say how you feel. So when you want to do anything with your body, it’s yours and yours alone.
With that in mind, here are a few ways to maintain your body autonomy when in a relationship or dating.
First, figure out your boundaries. So, there isn’t an easy or expedient way to figure out what your boundaries are regarding your body. You can’t just sit in a front of a mirror naked and poke around until you find all the do’s and don’ts of touching you. It’s something you learn over time and with experience – good and bad experiences.
Your boundaries will reveal themselves to you if you listen to your own instincts and feelings. So when you’re with your partner or anyone you’re intimate with, pay attention to your gut feeling.
If something feels off or you feel uncomfortable, pay attention to that, put a stop to it. You’ll get to know your boundaries and they may change. They probably will. But as they do, you can communicate and assert them.
Another thing is to accept your own personal boundaries. So, finding my boundaries took time and experience, and accepting them as perfectly good and reasonable, took even more time. I’m a good girlfriend even if I know what I want to do and do not want to do. In fact, I think I’m a better girlfriend for it because when I know, accept, and respect my boundaries, I’m a happier person. I feel safer. I’m more willing to open up and be myself.
In past relationships, when I haven’t openly expressed what my boundaries are, or I haven’t stood up for what I was and was not comfortable with, that’s when I suffered and when the relationship suffered.
But at the same time, at fifteen, I was in a relationship where I did vocalize my boundaries and they were begrudgingly accepted, but they were not respected. I was made to feel guilty for saying that I wasn’t ready to have sex. I was told that I was a tease, and I was dumped, like, two days later. I was fifteen. It was a boundary that I knew I wasn’t ready to cross, and even though I found the guts to vocalize that, I still wound up feeling guilty and ashamed because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do.
This is why you need to accept and respect your own boundaries enough to only be with people who will do the same.
The next thing is to learn how to communicate your needs and feelings. So, it can be difficult to have that conversation with your partner. It’s kind of scary to say, “Listen, I love you, but don’t do that again.” Or, “I’m upset with you because I feel like you crossed the line.” Or, “I know you like it when I wax my entire body, but it’s just not going to happen in the winter or ever again,” or something.
It’s okay that sometimes our boundaries only become clear to us when they are crossed. It’s okay to communicate these things after-the-fact. I’m constantly learning things about myself: things that I didn’t know that I liked, and things I didn’t realize I don’t like. The important thing is to find the words to tell your partner when you figure it out.
So be honest with the person that you’re with, and if they’re good for you, they’ll respect your body and everything you choose to do with it, and the things you choose not to do.
Another thing is to talk about what’s changed and what hasn’t. So, don’t be afraid to tell your partner what has changed for you. We’re complex people with preferences and comforts that will vary and change over time. It’s perfectly normal and natural to shift from wanting some kind of contact to not wanting it. Just be open about what changes and what’s still the same.
For example, telling my partner, like, “I don’t want you to grab my hips anymore, but you know, you can kiss me on the head or on the shoulder,” or something, that’s perfectly fine.
So get comfortable – another thing – get comfortable asserting your right to make choices. So it’s up to you to decide what’s right for you, and that’s always the case, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of that, and while there will likely always be pressure from someone to be some type of way, you can try to familiarize yourself with the act of asserting your own choice.
So even in small ways, like if you don’t feel like drinking or smoking, but everyone else is, or if your partner is, assert your choice. Say, “Nah, I’m going to sit this one out.” Or by dyeing your hair without consulting your partner about the color first.
Asserting your autonomy often in casual and non-confrontational ways can make it feel easier to do, so when you’re in a situation with your partner where you might feel pressure from them or from yourself to act or look in a certain way, it will feel easier and more natural to voice your true feelings.
“You may want to have sex tonight, but I don’t, so I’m going to sit this one out.”
Lastly, recognize when your autonomy is not being respected. So if someone does not respect you when you say you don’t want to do something, they are not respecting you and your autonomy. If your partner does not respect that your desires, feelings, and boundaries will change over time and with experience, they are not respecting your autonomy.
Part of being an autonomous person is being a person that changes. People change, and our relationships with our bodies and other bodies change.
When you become more aware of what it is that you like and dislike, it becomes easier to spot people who are and are not willing to respect that. Those who are not are not worth your time. They don’t deserve your presence. Show them that you respect your body too much to have them disrespect it.
The simplest way to do that is to walk away, but if you’re not in a safe enough of a situation to do that, talk to someone you trust about your options. You don’t deserve to have your bodily autonomy disrespected, and being in a relationship does not change the rules surrounding your body. It’s yours and yours alone.
So that’s what I got. Sorry I have the remnants of a cold. I hope that that was helpful.
And last, I just want to do a quick shout-out to the company that made this shirt. They’re called Birdsong, and they’re a British company, and each purchase gives back 50-85% of the money made to the women who make the clothes. It’s sweatshop-free. It’s photoshop-free.
If you’re looking for an ethical company to buy holiday gifts from, I recommend it. They’re called Birdsong London. And they didn’t tell me to shout them out, I just wanted to because I really like this shirt and it’s very soft and ethically made. Okay, see you next time.
