![A person lies on their stomach, propping themselves up on their elbows, looking thoughtful.](https://everydayfeminism.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/sexmythstounlearn-300x200.jpg)
A person lies on their stomach, propping themselves up on their elbows, looking thoughtful.
There are a ton of confusing, harmful, and downright untrue messages about sex in our society.
Growing up, many of us picked them up from our favorite magazines, from watching TV, from out-of-touch sex-ed classes, and from peers who are learning just like us.
Even the people who have our best interests at heart sometimes steer us wrong when sitting us down for βthe talk.β
As a young black girl in grade school, I learned many ideas about sex and sexuality that I now know to be absolute BS β and I learned them from family and friends who were trying to look out for me.
Luckily, feminism taught me better. After taking a womenβs studies course and doing some reading on my own, I unlearned several harmful messages about sex and sexuality.
From feminism, I learned that sex isnβt something to be ashamed of. I learned to detach sex and sexuality from βmy reputation.β I learned that myΒ virginity didnβt determine my worth as a woman.
Continuing my feminist studies in school eventually led me to black feminism. Once I dove into black feminist thought from the likes of bell hooks, Patricia Hill Collins, and Joan Morgan, I started to free myself from racist messages Iβd learned about black sexuality.
There was this a-ha moment I had when I realized that what Iβd been taught to believe about myself as a woman, especially as a black woman, is coated with sexism, racism, andΒ misogynoir.
I felt so enlightened. I felt like impossible expectations for me to somehow be thisΒ βrespectableβ woman and thisΒ highly sexual video vixen at the same time had been lifted.
I felt free.
My intro to feminism and my eventual dive into black feminist thought helped me transform me into the unapologetic black woman I eventually became.
So I thought I was set.
But several years later, I realized I wasnβt. Even though Iβd learned all of these wonderful things about sex, loving myself, and freeing myself from internalized sexism and misogynoir, something still wasnβt quite right.
Despite unlearning myths about sex and sexuality, I hadnβt quite figured out my sexuality.
At the time, I didnβt know what asexuality was. It isnβt a widely publicized or commonly known sexual orientation.
When I saw the definition of asexuality, experiencing little to no sexual attraction, I wasnβt sure that it applied to me.
I thought, Well, how do I know if I experience sexual attraction or not? I have an interest in sex, right? If I didnβt why, else would I be desperately searching for an explanation as to why Iβm not interested in having sex with my boyfriend?
Itβs sometimes hard to define your experience by what you donβt experience.
Thereβs a huge learning curve when it comes to asexuality that makes it difficult to understand.
Types of attraction and intimacy beyond sexual attraction and sex had never been discussed in my sex-ed, health classes, or even βthe talk(s)β with my parents. Words like aromantic andΒ gray-asexual had also never come up. Β
In addition, I struggled to understand asexuality because it seemed to conflict with many things I thought were true about sex and sexuality. Again, there was a lot for me to unlearn.
Here are the things I had to unlearn in order to fully accept my asexuality.
Myth #1: Orientation Is Black and White
I used to think orientation could easily be explained as “people like who they like.β
However, being around other people in the LGBTQIA+ community and learning more about asexuality taught me otherwise.
When it comes to orientation, thereβsΒ fluidity. There areΒ gray areas. There are spectrums. Asexuality even has a spectrum of its own.
All of these βin-betweensβ must be considered for many of us to understand and embrace our own sexuality and that of those around us.
Additionally, as an ace, I learned even more that the basic βpeople like who they likeβ definition of oientation didnβt quite cover it because it doesnβt break down the various types of attraction, which helps us a-spec folks (aromatic and asexual people) define our experiences. This brings me to my next point.
Myth #2: Sexual Attraction Is the Only Form of Attraction That Matters
When people talk about who theyβre attracted to, they often mean sexual attraction.
However, there areΒ other types of attraction, and understanding the many forms of attraction helps us understand asexuality a lot better. Β
At one point, when I was going through my own back and forth, trying to figure out whether or not I was asexual, I thought, Well, Iβm attracted to men, so I canβt be asexual, right?
I made the mistake of assuming that my attraction to men meant that I was sexually attracted to men. In actuality, Iβm romantically and aesthetically attracted to men, but sexually attracted to no one.
This understanding ofΒ various types of attraction is also crucial for people who are aromantic, as Everyday Feminism writer Michon Neal points out inΒ this article.
Sexual attraction is important for some people, but not for everyone. Many aces donβt experience it, so it isnβt high on our list of things we must have in order to want to a relationship with other people.
Romantic, aesthetic, emotional, or other forms of attraction can be just as important for us.
Myth #3: Sex Is a Necessary Form of Intimacy
Just like attraction, people tend to pair intimacy with sex. Many equate sex with intimacy. And it isnβt uncommon for people to replace the word sex with intimacy.
They often forget that there are other forms of intimacy, including emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sensual. Various forms of intimacy are important in many relationships.
Many believe that sexual intimacy is vital for a fulfilling relationship. Sure, itβs important for some relationships, but not all. For aces like me, sex isnβt always an important form of intimacy.
Some of us prefer other types of intimacy that come in the forms of conversation, cuddling, or prayer, just to name a few. And thatβs okay. Sex doesnβt have to be the most important form or intimacy for everyone.
However, when our society constant reinforces the absolute necessity for sexual intimacy, it creates a form of sexual pressure where aces are made to feel like sex is a requirement. This expectation for sexual intimacy is another form of sexual pressure.
It can leave people like me questioning whether or not they should go against their natural way of being in order toΒ please demands for sexual intimacy.
No one should feel pressured to have sex. Not from partners β and not from societal beliefs, either.
Besides, sex isnβt the end-all, be-all requirement for a successful relationship. There are other ways to make romantic relationships work with and without it.
Myth #4: Sexual Attraction Is a Part of Human Nature
The idea that sexual attraction is natural is a common one, because most people do experience some form of sexual attraction.
However, just because a majority of people experience something, that doesnβt make it true across the board. Itβs estimated thatΒ about 1%Β of the worldβs population doesn’t experience sexual attraction.
It seems like a small number, but thatβs actually around 75 million of us aces.
Yes, this is a new concept for many people. (I only learned about it a few years ago.) Our media, schools, peers, and the world around us constantly reinforce the idea that sex and sexual attraction is the norm. This makes some of us aces uncertain of whether or not we are actually asexual.
We have to remember that though our experience isnβt widely known, taught, or represented, it’s still valid. Oftentimes people dismiss asexuality because theyβre unfamiliar with it. Theyβre just unaware.
In times where someone is trying to explain why asexuality isnβt real, I have to remember that I canβt allow other peopleβs ignorance to constantly make me feel invalidated.
Iβm not going to get everyone around me to understand asexuality, but I have to be able to understand the truth for myself in order to feel comfortable in my own skin.
The truth is that sexual attraction doesn’t make us human. Some human beings experience it. Some donβt. If my friends canβt accept that, I avoid talking to them about it as much as I can while affirming the truth for myself when I need to.
Myth #5: Asexuality Is an Indicator That Something Is Wrong
Iβve written this countless times articles on asexuality, explained it to friends who donβt understand, and Iβve said it to myself in my ownΒ ace affirmations β and Iβll say it a thousand times more for any ace who is struggling with self-acceptance and needs a reminder: Your asexuality is a real experience, not a reason to visit the doctor.
I understand that people confuse asexuality with a low sex drive, impotence, and/or hormonal imbalances, but those are not the same. Asexuality is about attraction, not health conditions. Β
People also consider asexuality a bi-product of a disability or mental illness. For example, one therapist told this ace writer that their asexuality was a result of their depression. In this therapistβs eye, asexuality was a symptom that would eventually go away. However, this was not the case.
While there are asexual people who are also disabled and there are aces with mental illnesses, those experiences do not invalidate their asexuality. One experience does not cancel out the other β they sometimes coexist.
There is nothing wrong with being asexual. No matter the circumstances, our experiences are still valid. Β
Myth #6: Sex Determines My Value As a Partner in a Romantic Relationship
When I realized I was asexual, I had a big fear that my asexuality made me un-dateable.
I thought no one would want to be with me because I didnβt want to have sex with them, and I constantly apologized when I couldnβt bring myself to have sex with him. I did this because I had internalized the idea that my value as a partner was determined by ability to βput out.β
Honestly, this particular myth took a while to unlearn. And some days, I still have to remind myself that it is not the truth.
This one can be the hardest myth to unlearn because itβs rooted in other myths about sexual attraction being human nature and about asexuality being a βproblem.β
In order to detach my value in a relationship from sex, I first had to accept that asexual was a real and normal experience. I had to accept that there was nothing wrong with my asexuality, and that it’s my sexual orientation, not a problem.
Then I had to remember that sex is never obligatory, even though our society makes it seem like an obligation within a romantic relationship.
Once I accepted these things, I began to understand that my value in a relationship lies beyond whether or not Iβm willing to have sex with my partner.
Eventually, I stopped apologizing for my asexuality and accepted that the right partner for me is the one who accepts my asexuality and is willing to compromise toΒ make the relationship work. Anyone else just wonβt be compatible.
Myth #7: People of Color Canβt Be Asexual
Prevailing ideas about black sexuality often pairs blackness with hypersexuality, which doesnβt quite match my asexual experience (though hypersexual aces do exist).
I never thought my race made me less asexual β however, I struggled to find other people of color who were also aces. Every time I saw someone who identified as ace, they appeared to be white.
Asexuality is widely represented by young white aces who have an uncanny interest in cake, dragons, and punny jokes. This wasnβt a vibe I felt particularly connected to.
I eventually found a few black aces. Apparently, someone else had been looking for other black asexual people and was struggling to find any, so they put out a βroll callβ online. Β
Aces of color are out there, andΒ our perspectives and visibility are important within ace spaces. While I was struggling to accept my asexuality, just knowing there were other aces of color reminded me that I wasnβt alone and that my asexual experience was just as real as any other aceβs experience.
***
Unlearning these messages helped me to better understand my asexuality and accept myself as an ace.
This process of unlearning can help many people of marginalized identities to free themselves from oppressive ideas about ourselves.
Sometimes, the process of unlearning comes in waves or cycles. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to remind ourselves what is true versus what is a false (but common) belief.
Once weβve picked apart the myths and remembered the truth, we are free to live our lives unapologetically.
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Shae Collins is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She enjoys educating and uplifting by aiming a black feminist lens at pop culture on her blog. Sheβs been published in EBONY, Ms. Magazine, For Harriet, and Blavity. Laugh with her on Twitter @ShaeCWrites. Read her articles here.
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