What To Do (And Not Do) When Someone Asks for Different Gender Pronouns

November 20, 2014 / Robot Hugs

So you know someone who has felt comfortable enough to ask you to refer to them by different pronouns. This is a big step for them, and the way you proceed is very important. Some of the most common reactions and behaviors can have damaging effects on the person.

Check out this comic from Robot Hugs for a simple introduction to the DOs and DON’Ts of pronoun etiquette!

Click for the Transcript

Pronoun Do’s and Don’ts

When someone asks you to use a different pronoun:

Don’t:

What? ‘Zie’ isn’t a real pronoun – don’t you have something more normal that you use?

But it’s not grammatically correct to use ‘they’ as a singular pronoun.

Why?

You are not the being asked to evaluate this person’s gender identity or terminology.

Also, I have not yet witnessed a version of this conversation in which the person arguing is actually correct.

Don’t:

Ooooh….I’ll tryyyyy but I’m warning you I’m going to mess that up so much.

Why:

We know you will. Everyone does, at least at first. But it’s boring to be reminded right up front about how difficult and inconvenient our genders are to you.

Do:

I don’t believe in this whole ‘gender theory’ transgender thing.

Why?

So I can decide immediately not to waste my time with an ignorant asshole like you.

Do:

I’m not familiar with those pronouns. Could you go over them with me so I know I’m using them right?

Do:

Oh, of course. I’ll do my best!

When you accidentally misgender someone:

Don’t

She – I mean he! He. Oh my god

(it’s ok)

I am so SO SO sorry

(don’t worry about it)

I didn’t mean it you know I’m the LAST person who

(it’s FINE)

Why:

Your mistake should not turn into a weird self-flagellation ‘make me feel better’ moment. It’s really not about you.

Do:

She – I mean he, sorry – and I used to…

Do:

(if necessary, probably in private)

Hey man, I know I keep messing up this pronoun thing, I promise I’m doing my best. Thanks for your patience so far.

Do:

Practice!

Greg is my friend, I’ve known him for 7 years. He works in landscaping and he has 3 dogs…

When you deliberately misgender someone:

Don’t.

When someone asks you your preferred pronouns:

Don’t:

Can’t you tell?? What are you trying to imply???

Why:

This person is trying to show you respect and courtesy by not making assumptions about how you identify, don’t be rude in return.

Do:

I use she/her, thanks for asking! Yourself?

For more information on this topic, check out the following:

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Robot Hugs is a webcomic that discusses identity, gender, and sexuality, explores depression and mental illness, and often includes cats. The creator lives in Toronto; they have a degree in Linguistics and a graduate degree in Information Studies. Specifically, they identify as a non-binary genderqueer peoplequeer mentally ill non-monogamous kinky critical feminist robot. Their hobbies include worrying, being concerned about things they can’t change, being angry, being uselessly angry, hiding from the world, and knitting. Follow Robot Hugs on Twitter @RobotHugsComic.