Laura: Well, here I am, sitting in bed with my heating pad, also known as my best friend. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. I don’t see myself getting out of bed anytime soon. It’s hard to stay positive. It’s hard to not be mad at my body or at the situation when this is how I feel.
My name is Laura, and I have Endometriosis.
I was first diagnosed with endometriosis in the summer of 2012 when I was a senior in college. I have one distinct memory of when I was on the basketball team in high school. I was at practice and I had such bad cramps, and I literally could not do anything. I was just laying there. I was vomiting. I was sweating. Nothing helped, so I went to urgent care and they just told me I had bad periods. That’s basically what I was told up until I was twenty-one-years-old.
At many points in my life I convinced myself that maybe I was imagining it. Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe everyone felt this way on their period. But there’s a certain kind of pain that comes with endometriosis, and it’s not just around the time of your period. It’s a pain that lingers always, and at some point in your life you realize that it’s not normal.
I came home from work today. I lasted about an hour before the pain was just overwhelming. I was nauseous. I went into the bathroom and I vomited because I had such terrible cramps. I’m working from home, which is something that I have to do at least once a month, sometimes more often. My job is to sit at a desk and write, and sometimes I can’t even do that.
When you have a flu, you go to the doctor, and they give you medicine, and you get over it. When you have endometriosis, you go to the doctor, you have a surgery, and then it comes back a year later. Realizing that this was something that I was going to have to deal with the rest of my life, I saw all my relationships in the future just flash before my eyes.
It’s very hard to date and explain to someone, “Hey, I might not be able to have sex with you and I also might not be able to have your children, but let’s date anyway.” I was letting people treat me like dirt because I felt like I had to make up for the fact that I was broken.
Today’s one of those days where I’m like, “I can do this. I can absolutely live with this. I’m fine.” I just hope that this lasts. I have good days and bad days; usually more bad days than good days, but maybe this week will be more good days than bad days.
I’m tired of feeling like less than a woman because I may not be able to have sex, and I may not be able to conceive children. I know that someday I’m going to look in the mirror and I’m going to forgive my body for what it has done to me. I know that I’m going to look in the mirror and love the person looking back at me, and accept every part of me.
