Title of the Video: What If Catcalls Were Cheeseburgers?
Person 1: Good afternoon. [hands her a cheeseburger.] That’s just for you. Have a good day, all right?
Person 2: Here, my lady. [Hands her a cheeseburger.]
Tess: Who needs cheeseburgers from strangers anyway?
Person 2: Hey, I would love it if strangers gave me cheeseburgers all the time!
Tess Paras: I’m not even hungry!
[Two people are walking together with yoga gear.]
Person 3: You have to come next week too, it’s amazing. Okay, don’t look at him. [Gets hit by a cheeseburger.] Don’t even engage, just don’t even engage, this always happens.
Person 4: Hey, you’re asking for it dressed like that. [Throws another cheeseburger.]
[The camera zooms out and shows Person 3 is wearing a shirt with a cheeseburger on it.]
Person 5: [Shoving a cheeseburger in two people’s faces.] Hey, eat my cheeseburger. Did you hear me? I’m talking to you! I said, “Eat my cheeseburger!” Come on, look at me, come on. Why don’t you just smell my cheeseburger? It’s delicious!
Person 6: Hey, we can hear you. We’re vegetarians.
Person 5: Oh, nice! [Throws cheeseburger behind their own back.] I got a Morningstar Farms right here. Come on, no, with cashew cheese if you’re vegan. How about if I can just watch you both eat it?
Person 7: Hey, saw you across the room. You look like you need this. [Handing Tess a cheeseburger.]
Tess: [Taking earbud off.] Oh, thank you but I’m kind of in the middle of something.
Person 7: Well, that’s not very nice. You can at least take a bite.
Tess: You’re interrupting me.
Person 7: Just trying to make you smile with a little friendly cheeseburger. Be polite, you bitch.
Person 8: [Pulling up in their car.] Pull over! Pull over!
Tess: Is there something wrong with my car?
Person 8: [Throws a cheeseburger at Tess’ face.] You know you like it rare.
Tess: What the hell? [Person 8 laughs and drives off.] Like I was just going to chomp on your cheeseburger right here on the side of the road?
Person 9: [Rubbing a cheeseburger on Tess’ arms and torso at a party.] Got a grade A Kobe beef right here.
Tess: Eww, can you not rub your greasy meat all over me, please?
Person 9: This is premium umami with mozzarella on a brioche bun, girl. You know how much this shit costs?
Person 10: [Approaches Tess and Person 9.] Hey.
Person 9: Oh, my bad. Sorry player.
Tess: You’re apologizing to him?
Tess: [Having a meal with another person.] How was your flight? Was it good?
Person 11: It was good because I slept like the whole time.
Tess: Did you? I can never sleep when I’m on a plane.
[A group of people at another table start throwing multiple hamburgers at them.]
Tess: Geez. Ow! Jesus! Come on. Okay, enough! Listen, I love cheeseburgers. They’re delicious! And I love how you can have them so many different ways. I love how good cheeseburger fills me up, but I don’t exist on this planet just for your cheeseburgers. When you are constantly throwing them in my face, it gets in the way of what I am trying to do. Think about it, would you throw a cheeseburger at your mother? Yeah. So I don’t need your beef [throws part of cheeseburger at them], and I don’t need your pickle [throws another part at them], and I don’t need your bun [throws the bun at them]. You can keep your cheeseburgers to yourselves.
[People clap and Tess walks away with her arms in the air.]
Person 12: Hey, nice speech. Now bend over and show me your pussy. Right? [The people at the table who threw cheeseburgers at them laugh.]
